


The Lies That Break and Make Us

by HomeForImaginaryFriends



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, Betrayal, Break Up, Fluff, Historical Accuracy, Historical Inaccuracy, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Post-Break Up, Samurai, Slow Build, how do i even tag anymore, it's both
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-09-27 16:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17165150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomeForImaginaryFriends/pseuds/HomeForImaginaryFriends
Summary: Sawamura fell in love in spring as the days grew longer and the nights warmer.  He fell completely; heart, body, and soul.  He fell before he even really knew that was what was happening.  He fell for sly grins, soft gray eyes, and a cunning character that barely hid the caring and warm heart underneath.





	1. 1867

**Author's Note:**

  * For [audriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/audriel/gifts).



**1867**

**Spring**

  
  
  
  


Sawamura fell in love in spring as the days grew longer and the nights warmer.  He fell completely; heart, body, and soul. He fell before he even really knew that was what was happening.  He fell for sly grins, soft gray eyes, and a cunning character that barely hid the caring and warm heart underneath.

 

As the Emperor Sawamura never gave much thought to how completely isolated he was from everyone else, even when his mother and father had been alive they had very little to do with him.  He knew it was something that came along with his position and birthright, though understanding that didn’t make his life any less lonely. It wasn’t until Kuroo Tetsurou came along with an envoy to the palace to seek an audience with the emperor and his advisors about Japan's long standing belief of isolation that Sawamura really began to understand the depths of his loneliness.

 

It had started innocently enough, or it would have been innocent if Sawamura wasn’t the emperor.  Shoulders knocking into one another, fingers brushing against the others, shared space and the sudden warmth of another person so close.  No one came that close to Sawamura, even those who helped dress and bath him always maintained a respectable distance, making absolutely sure no skin-on-skin contact every happened.  If it had Sawamura was sure there would have been deep bows of apology, a heaping dose of shame and guilt along with fear. Kuroo definitely felt not shame or guilt when he stood close enough for his breath to fan over Sawamura’s ear, there was no sign of fear at all when he bumped into Sawamura and apologized with a grin stretching his lips.

 

Sawamura had found Kuroo infuriating at first, an absolute disruption to the carefully coordinated life others had spent years painstakingly building for Sawamura.  He always seemed to be where Sawamura went, leaning against the cherry tree in the courtyard where Sawamura usually spent a few precious moments alone feeding the koi fish in the sprawling pond or found amongst the stacked shelves in the palaces library, asking Sawamura to explain a certain phrase or word found in a book when Kuroo knew well enough that an emperor shouldn’t have to explain anything to anyone, especially some no-named samurai.

 

Except when Sawamura didn’t see Kuroo at a meeting or dinner he found himself searching him out.  He came to look forward to their small moments together, realizing that Kuroo was teasing him of all things.  No one had teased Sawamura Daichi since, well he couldn’t really recall a time. Sometimes his head advisors Azumane and Sugawara came close, but even they minded their manners when they were alone with the emperor.

 

Falling in love had been easy and once Sawamura recognized the true feelings he felt for the other man he accepted them wholly and without restraint.  He had never been in love, had never shared stolen kisses or tucked a lucky charm into another's hitatre. Kuroo was his first in many ways, in every way in all actuality.

 

“My apologies Your Imperial Highness but I need to rest,” Kuroo groaned into the pillow as Sawamura placed a laughing kiss between his bare shoulder blades.  This was a first for Sawamura too, though perhaps he should say it was his first and second time. “Not all of us share your incredible endurance.” Sawamura smiled at that before standing up while wrapping a thin blanket around his waist, leaving the thicker one to cover Kuroo.  The man always seemed to be complaining about a chill in the air even when winter was quickly giving way to spring.

 

Sawamura sat down at the table near his futon.  It was quite late, which meant there would be no interruptions or the fear that someone would stumble upon them.  He would gladly take the lack of sleep in the morning for a few more moments spent with Kuroo. Sawamura spread parchment on the table, holding down the folding edges with his ink well as he looked over at Kuroo once more.

 

Kuroo was laying on his back, the blanket hiding him from the waist down but doing nothing to hide the shape beneath.  His arms were folded beneath his pillow, his head turned so sharp eyes could follow Sawamura’s every movement. Sawamura had once felt as if those eyes saw everything, no matter if Sawamura wanted it to be seen or not but now he welcomed the calculating looks.  Kuroo’s long black hair, usually kept neat in a top knot, spilled along the lean lines of his back as if someone had spilt an ink pot there.

 

Kuroo was breathtakingly beautiful and Sawamura had gotten the sudden urge to draw him.  Sawamura was no artist, his skills lain more in archery and riding, but he had gotten skilled enough in drawing landscapes.  The gentle dips and rises of Kuroo’s body became hills and valleys, the spreading darkness of his hair became a long and twisting river.

 

“What are you doing?”  Kuroo asked, voice a rasp that sent an electric spark down Sawamura’s back.

 

“Drawing you.”  Sawamura answered honestly, shooting a grin in Kuroo’s direction as he started to add smaller details like the cherry tree they had met for the first time, alone and unsupervised.  Kuroo stood, not bothering to pretend modesty by covering up as he moved to sit behind Sawamura. A sharp chin settled on Sawamura’s shoulder, looking at the progress the drawing was taking.

 

“Sawamura-sama,” Kuroo whined, chin digging into Sawamura’s shoulder with every syllable.  Sawamura resisted the urge to grin, though just barely. No one ever referred to Sawamura by his name, it was far too disrespectful and suggesting an even standing with the emperor of Japan, and no one had that sort of standing.  Sawamura was not quite ready to tell Kuroo how much he enjoyed hearing his name and not a title come out of Kuroo’s mouth. “That’s not me.”

 

“Perhaps you’re not looking close enough.”  Sawamura leaned back against Kuroo. The man was unusually tall and though he was leanly muscled Sawamura still felt the need to feed him more, perhaps then he wouldn’t be cold all the time.  “This outline here? Is your body as you laid on my futon. This is the dip of your neck, the sharp rise of your shoulders, I quite like this part-” The area between Kuroo’s shoulders and his butt was something of a fascination to Sawamura, who felt his own built was much like a square without any of the interesting lines and curves that made up Kuroo’s entire being.

 

“Oh?”  Kuroo’s arms wrapped around Sawamura’s waist.  “Would you like to examine it more closely?” Sawamura shivered as Kuroo placed several closed mouth kisses along his shoulder.

 

“Perhaps later, you were saying you needed a rest before and I don’t want to exhaust you.”  Sawamura feigned disinterest.

 

“Bored already?”  Kuroo asked, voice a little sharp.  Sawamura had noticed that tone more than once, as if something were cutting Kuroo inside and it sometimes escaped in the raise of tone in his voice.  Sawamura couldn’t understand how that could be a serious question so he didn’t bother answering.

 

“This is the beginning and as it continues on it will show the progress of us.”  Sawamura explained each detail. He thought of having the design stitched into a kimono when he was finished, so he could carry it around with him wherever he went.

 

“The pond,” Kuroo mumbled before he looked around the room.  “Are the other landscapes your other lovers then?” Sawamura looked up at several of the framed pieces around his private rooms before letting out a full belly laugh.  He covered his mouth, trying to quiet himself and not bringing in his guards as he shook against Kuroo.

 

“I hope not, those are by my mother.”  Sawamura said once his laughter had died down.  He put down his brush, carefully making sure that it didn’t smear ink anywhere.  “They are one of the few items I have left, she died when I was young but she is the one who taught me to draw.  I was never very good at it but I enjoyed the time I got to spend with her while we did it.” Sawamura said honestly, hand coming up on its own accord to trace a sharp cheekbone, a prominent nose, and thin lips.

 

“I meant no insult to her.”  Kuroo stated regretfully, as if a man facing a death squad.  Sawamura pinched Kuroo’s nose for that.

 

“Then what did you mean?  That I should have so many conquests the only way to keep track of them is by my mediocre drawings?”  Sawamura asked. He had thought his inexperience had shown through, that the always clever Kuroo must have picked up on that, but even he missed somethings. 

 

“The Ooku?”  Kuroo questioned.

 

“One day my advisors will expect me to pick someone to marry and carry on the bloodline, most likely that will be Shimizu-san or Michimiya-san.”  Sawamura admitted truthfully, it wasn’t a secret after all. “But I have never entered the Ooku. Should I write it out on his parchment? You are a first for me in every sense of the word.”

 

It was the first time Sawamura saw Kuroo completely thrown off.  He always looked to be in control of any situation he was in, never left floundering or stumbling for words.  Sawamura was probably enjoying that a little too much even though he felt his face warm from the confession. Something complicated passed over Kuroo’s face before he finally met Sawamura’s eyes once more.

 

“Truly?”  Kuroo asked.

 

“Does that change anything?”  Sawamura asked back instead of confirming what they both already knew to be true.  Kuroo looked down, studying the contrast of his darker arms against the lighter skin of Sawamura’s stomach.

 

“No.”  Kuroo finally answered.  “It can’t change anything.”  It seemed an odd way to phrase it but Sawamura didn’t push it any further.  Kuroo was raised completely different than Sawamura, no private tutors or expensive education.  He had also spent the majority of his adult life travelling around the world, so perhaps it was phrase he had learned someone else.

 

“Made up your mind?”  Sawamura asked instead, grinning at Kuroo’s suddenly serious look and tone.  Kuroo reached up to cup Sawamura’s face, thumb tracing Sawamura’s cheekbone or perhaps the freckles that were barely there.

 

“I did, along time ago.”  Kuroo leaned forward to kiss Sawamura, who didn’t mind the interruption of their conversation at all.

 

No one came close enough to even brush against Sawamura accidentally so to say that kissing was a new experience for him would be an understatement.  Kuroo seemed to be making up for a lifetime of neglect by teaching Sawamura all the different ways to kiss. They had started off innocently enough, closed mouthed chaste things that left just the barest hint of heat against Sawamura’s face.  There was the slow pressure ones, the ones that Sawamura thought he could lose himself in for hours. The newest ones were full of heat, open mouthed and led to both of them losing their clothes in a pile on the ground.

 

Spring continued in such a manner.  Both had duties and responsibilities they could not ignore or pass off to someone else, but the moments during the slowly warming nights were theirs to spend how they pleased.  Kuroo betrayed nothing during the day, pulling no unwanted attention to anything that might be going on between the two of them. Sawamura pulled on his years of practice, showing nothing but the steady calm his position demanded of him.

 

“Be careful.”  Sawamura said quickly, making Azumane startle badly, the tray of food and drink held in his large hands rattling worriedly as he stepped away from the table.  Sawamura felt a small amount of guilt as he pulled away from Sugawara, who was helping dress Sawamura in his formal wear, elaborate and beautiful but also sweltering in the growing heat of spring that threatened to give away to summer any moment.  Sawamura pushed the parchment of his drawing off to the side so Azumane could put the tray down.

 

“I’m sorry,” Azumane apologized, bowing deeply and nearly spilling the tray for a second time.

 

“It is a lovely drawing, it would be a shame to ruin it.”  Sugawara rescued the tray with his normal grace, placing it on the table and putting a steadying hand on Azumane’s shoulder for a moment.  Sawamura felt a small pang of jealousy, perhaps even envy. Kuroo had headed into the city center and had been gone for a fortnight now.

 

The old advisors were always sharing harsh whispers about Kuroo and those who travelled with him.  They made no effort to hide that they were trying to gather support to end Japan’s era of isolation and bring world trade to them.  The advisors did not like that all, wanted to do something about it but were unable to at the current time.

 

Sawamura felt an immense wave of relief at that.  He knew his time with Kuroo was limited but he didn’t want it cut that short.  He had managed to table the discussion several times but even his own power only went so far, sooner or later something would happen from one side.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Azumane said once again before setting out to put Sawamura’s breakfast out.  Sugawara wordlessly continued to help Sawamura dress and Sawamura bit his tongue, keeping himself from teasing either of them when he knew it would just cause them undue stress.  He had a deep affection for both men, they were always a silent comfort to him but he was still their emperor.

 

It made him all the more thankful for the gift that was Kuroo.

  
  
  
  


**Summer**

  
  
  
  


As spring bled into summer Sawamura found his love for Kuroo only grow.  It had only been half a year since Sawamura had met the other man but sometimes it felt like it had been so much longer.  He had shared himself so fully with no one else, trusted his inner thoughts and confessions to no one but Kuroo. It was a thrilling feeling, almost terrifying but all the more secure because he knew Kuroo was there for him.

 

“If you weren’t the Emperor what would you do?”  Kuroo asked one night as they laid side by side. The days were sweltering but it wasn’t so far into summer that the nights didn’t cool off.  Even so, both wore not a stitch as they looked at each other across the pillows.

 

“What sort of question is that?”  Sawamura asked, voice a little rough from their earlier activities and the edge of sleep he had just been on.

 

“What if you didn’t have to be Emperor anymore?”  Kuroo asked, voice picking up speed as he rolled onto his side and peered over at Sawamura in the candlelit room.  “If you didn’t have to deal with the distance from everyone, the responsibilities? Would you like that?” Sawamura slowly blinked up at Kuroo, his words rattling around in Sawamura’s brain but not making anymore sense than when he had first asked it.

 

“But I am the Emperor, until I did.”  Sawamura said and then grinned up at Kuroo.  “Unless you’re planning on overthrowing me.”

 

“Daichi-san.”  His name on Kuroo’s tongue was new, and Sawamura could tell that Kuroo hadn’t meant to say it by the startled look on his face.  But Sawamura could do nothing but smile, using his arms to push himself up and hover over Kuroo’s face.

 

“Say that again.”  Sawamura requested.

 

“Is that an order?”  Kuroo asked, eyes darting down to Sawamura’s lips.

 

“Please.”  Sawamura said, voice soft.  It wasn’t as if Sawamura ordered people around, but if he said something then it was usually done without question.  That was the way things were done.

 

But he didn’t want to order affection from Kuroo, he didn’t want to command Kuroo call him by his name that no one had used since his mother's death so many years ago.  He had forgotten what it was like to be someone, not just a figurehead or something almost deity-like. An actual breathing, real person.

 

“Daichi-san.”  Kuroo breathed out against Sawamura’s lips, making him smile down at Kuroo before pressing kisses all over his face.  “You’re dangerous.” Kuroo managed to say in between kisses, voice a little breathless.

 

Sawamura thought it was Kuroo who was the dangerous one because who else held the Emperor's heart in his hands?

 

Summer blazed on in its usual manner, making even nights miserable.  A sudden drought brought with it high tension, a string ready to snap at the slightest breeze.  The hearings and meetings Sawamura was forced to attend were made even more insufferable by the heat that made sweat gather and pool down Sawamura’s back underneath too many layers of clothing.  Bathing seemed to be his only respite from the heat.

 

“Tanaka-san do you ever think about what you would do if you weren’t a samurai?”  Sawamura asked Tanaka, who was one of his most trusted daimyo. Tanaka regarded Sawamura with wide eyes.

 

“Are you dismissing me?”  Tanaka squawked out and would most likely have been lectured for his disrespect if it wasn’t just the two of them.

 

“Of course not.”  Sawamura waved that notion off.  “But is there anything else you’d like to do?”

 

“I’ve always wanted to be a samurai, I couldn’t think of a higher honor than guarding you.”  Tanaka said with his usual earnest attitude that had made Sawamura like him since the first time they met.  He was a rough character and sometimes he did not mesh well with the other nobility, but he was honest and when he spoke to Sawamura it felt as if he were addressing Sawamura Daichi and not just the Emperor.

 

The conversation was dropped and almost forgotten as Tanaka walked him to where the next hearing was to be held.

 

“I think I would have been apart of the shinsegumi.”  Tanaka stated firmly, surprising Sawamura before he smiled and nodded.

 

“They would be lucky to have you.”  Sawamura said honestly, watching as Tanaka puffed up with barely concealed pride before Sawamura walked into the room.

 

Several days after that Sawamura proposed the same question to Shimizu and Michimiya as they all ate dinner together.  The advisors and everyone else liked to see Sawamura interact with his prospective wives, though he had no interest in them and he was nearly positive they viewed him the same way.  They were always a polite and calming influence to be around, especially after Michimiya got used to his presence and stopped nearly crying over every mistake.

 

“I would have liked to be a seamstress.”  Shimizu was the one to answer first, which surprised both of them.

 

“Shimizu-san is wonderful with a needle, Your Imperial Highness.”  Michimiya added after overcoming her shock. “I think I would like to be a mother.”  She added quietly, cheeks red as she looked down at her food.

 

Others answered so readily but Sawamura never gave a second thought of what else he could be.  He was raised to be the Emperor and that was what he became. Everything, even his birth had been leading up to it.  It left him feeling as if there was something missing, if everyone else had an idea of what else they would like in life, no matter how far fetched like Sugawara telling Sawamura he would have made a fantastic pirate and Azumane softly saying he’d like to be a baker.

 

“I think I’d like to live out in the country.”  Sawamura admitted as Kuroo slipped into his quarters at night.  They hadn’t seen each other for many days and Sawamura couldn’t look at him properly for the embarrassment his proclamation brought up.

 

“The country?”  Kuroo asked, walking over to sit across from Sawamura at the low table.  Sawamura sat up a little to pour him a cup of tea, sliding it over to Kuroo just to give his nervous hands something to do.

 

“I know it’s not an occupation or something to do, but if I weren’t the Emperor I think I’d enjoy the country.”  Sawamura met Kuroo’s eyes because he had never shied away from conflict before. “You have to understand that all I am, all I have been raised to be is the Emperor.  If that was taken away then I don’t exist.”

 

“You look like you exist.”  Kuroo reached out, fingers curling over Sawamura’s ink-stained ones.  “Oh and what’s this? You feel like you exist.”

 

“Has anyone ever told you how funny you are?”  Sawamura asked in a tone devoid of emotion even as he turned his hand over so he could lace his fingers through Kuroo’s.

 

“That attitude sure exists.”  Kuroo grinned. “You are much more than your title.  But the country? Really now?”

 

“I have been surrounded by people my entire life, I would enjoy the space.”  Kuroo still looked like he wasn’t believing it completely. 

 

“So you want to be a farmer?”  Kuroo asked.

 

“Maybe!”  Sawamura snapped back, causing Kuroo to snort, his fingers tightening on Sawamura’s when he tried to pull back.  “I enjoy riding and archery, perhaps not farming but gardening? I don’t know, I’m not exactly given the time or freedom to try new things.”

 

“The country, hmm?”  Kuroo asked. Sawamura felt foolish for admitting to such a thing now and so he did the only thing he could think of to deflect the conversation.  He picked up his brush and flicked it at Kuroo, splattering him with ink. Kuroo drew back like a cat who had been hit on the nose.

 

“My hand slipped.”  Sawamura feigned innocence.

 

“Did it now?”  Kuroo swiped at his face, only managing to smear the black ink across his nose and cheek.  “Maybe I should check that hand out?” Before Sawamura could take another breath Kuroo had leaped over the table, knocking Sawamura backwards and pinning him to the ground.  Kuroo was trained, though both his sword and pistol remained in their holsters, he easily captured Sawamura, pinning his wrists in one hand while the other dangled the brush over Sawamura.

 

“Don’t you dare.”  Sawamura warned, trying to use all his imperial attitude he could gather even in such a situation.

 

“Or what?”  Kuroo teased, using the the wooden end of the brush to open the neck of Sawamura’s yukata.  Sawamura’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, his head swam with racing thoughts but one thing was clear, he couldn’t let Kuroo win so easily.

 

“My wrists.”  Sawamura didn’t even have to fake a wince before Kuroo released him, dark brows furrowing as he looked up to make sure he hadn’t left any marks.  Kuroo’s hold had been firm but not bruising, it was the distraction Sawamura needed to switch their positions and pin Kuroo to the floor. Sawamura knocked the brush across the floor, safe from either of their grasps.

 

“Cunning crow.”  Kuroo said but he didn’t look displeased as Sawamura leaned closer, bringing their faces only a breadth apart.  “What will you do now that you’ve got me captured?” The grin on Kuroo’s face wasn’t respectful in the least but it only made Sawamura breathless as he leaned closer, waited until Kuroo raised his head for the kiss before rolling off the other man.

 

“You should clean that ink off before it stains.”  Sawamura suggested with his own grin, laughing as Kuroo groaned on the floor.

 

Sawamura got a cloth and a bowl of water, gently rubbing the ink off and happy that it was still wet enough to come off without too much trouble.  Kuroo watched him the whole time, eyes nearly black in the dimly lit room. Sawamura was not good at reading people, he never had to be. There were people like Azumane or Tanaka who expressed every emotion, but he knew there were many more like Sugawara or Shimizu who hid their true feelings beneath a calm exterior.

 

When Sawamura asked if he could use Kuroo’s skin as a canvas, Kuroo removed his clothes without hesitation and laid on his stomach.  Sawamura found he enjoyed drawing far more when ink was spread across the broad expanse of Kuroo’s back.

 

“Are you planning to travel again once you leave here?”  Sawamura found himself asking, breaking the silence as he studied the flock of crows, his families emblem, spreading across Kuroo’s shoulder.  Kuroo’s dark eyes opened, staring far off before meeting Sawamura’s curious gaze.

 

“I have a duty I must fulfill, a promise I made long ago.”  Kuroo said, more serious than Sawamura had ever seen him. Complicated emotions twisted Kuroo’s face as he dropped his eyes away from Sawamura’s.

 

“Is it a difficult duty?”  Sawamura asked, wondering what he could offer if it was too hard of a burden for the other man to bare.

 

“At first I didn’t think so.”  Kuroo answered after a long pause.  “Where does the loyalty of the Emperor lie?”

 

“With his people.”  Sawamura answered instantly to a question he hadn’t expected from Kuroo.

 

“So you would put your own people's wellbeing, their health and safety before your own?”  Kuroo asked, clever eyes once again meeting Sawamura’s.

 

“Yes.”  Sawamura said honestly.  Something flickered in the back of his head, a growing restlessness and tension he had been feeling amongst those around him.  He set the brush aside and sat down fully. “Is this about ending Japan’s isolation?” Sawamura asked hesitantly, heart in his throat.

 

Sawamura did not want to think that all of this, everything that was between the two of them was just a ploy to garner the Emperor's favor.  Did Sawamura truly think that Japan could continue to grow and strengthen as a country while completely cutting themselves off from the world?  No, it already was a failing system. Imports were being snuck into the country daily, officials were being bought off and the ports were becoming a dangerous place to be but a last hope for those with no where else to turn.  But Sawamura knew he had to remain a strong figure for his people and that figure could not go against the wishes of his advisors, of the daimyo’s and government.

 

“Forgive me,” Kuroo sat up, fingers reaching out to run along Sawamura’s jaw, tilting his head up.  “I shouldn’t have brought it up, that was- I never planned to.” Kuroo looked exhausted and Sawamura felt a swell of guilt for only noticing it then but he had to know.

 

“I understand there has to be a change, but it will not happen with me.”  Sawamura stated strongly, not unless his own government had a sudden change of heart, which he doubted.  Those backing the reform of isolation were far and few in-between. Kuroo looked startled at his words.

 

“If I asked you to run away with me, would you do it?”  Kuroo asked, causing Sawamura to snort.

 

“Absolutely not.”  Sawamura pulled Kuroo up and over to the futon, blowing out the candles lighting the room on his way.  “They would find us and then execute you for kidnapping the Emperor.”

 

They laid together, Sawamura with his back pressed against Kuroo’s front. Soon it would be too warm for them to lay entwined like that, already Sawamura could feel sweat collecting down his back but he knew their time was limited and would not give up the few moments they had together over a small discomfort. Sawamura was already half way to sleep when he heard Kuroo whisper another apology into his hair.  Sawamura wasn’t sure what the other man was apologizing for so he let it go and fell into a deep, restful sleep.

 

Summer fully arrived in a blaze of seemingly endless heat.  The droughts continued and the restlessness amongst the people built to a crescendo that even Sawamura could feel tucked away in the sprawling palace.

 

The time Sawamura could spend with Kuroo became less, the man disappearing for weeks on end only to show up in Sawamura’s private quarters looking more serious and exhausted each time.  Sawamura tried to get the other man to talk but his questions were met with one word answers more often than not, the almost desperate press of Kuroo’s mouth against Sawamura’s swallowing any further questions.

 

Sawamura thought Kuroo understood their time was coming to an end.  That the desperate kisses and the almost-bruising touches were just Kuroo’s way of trying to hold on, trying to imprint a piece of each other on the other one.  Sawamura met Kuroo’s passion step for step, holding on a little bit tighter before Kuroo inevitably left before Sawamura had even woke up in the mornings.

 

If spring had been a time of love and new things than summer had been a blaze of desperation and passion.

  
  
  
  


**Fall**

  
  
  
  


Just as the days started to grow shorter and the nights colder an insurrection boiled up amongst the people of the country Sawamura had been raised to rule.  He was assured that it would be handled as all other rebellions had been dealt with, swiftly and in a way that no one would consider doing the same for years to come.  

 

“It’s the reformationist.”  Ukai Keishin told Sawamura honestly when he asked the older man about it.  Neither Ukai nor his grandfather, both who had been Sawamura’s tutors throughout his life, ever thought that keeping Sawamura in the dark about such things was a good idea.

 

“Is it not true that the country has been at peace the last two centuries?”  Sawamura asked, wondering if he had been lied to about that as well. Ukai’s grin went a little crooked as he escorted Sawamura down the hall.

 

“It is true.”  Ukai answered, giving Sawamura a look that usually meant he was waiting for Sawamura to reach a conclusion on his own.

 

“Because we have been uninvolved with the world around us?”  Sawamura wondered out loud.

 

“Conflict breeds ingenuity, not to say that we have come to a plateau but we aren’t progressing as fast as other countries.”  Ukai said, hand resting on the hilt of his katana as they stopped outside Sawamura’s private quarters. “Some of those pushing for the end of isolation are doing it for selfish and greedy reasons, but there are those who are afraid that one of those other countries will come knocking on our door and we won’t have the resources nor the allies to fight them off.  It has happened in many other places and the ones who suffer for it are the common people.”

 

“Do you think this insurrection will succeed?”  Sawamura asked. Ukai considered his words for a long moment, meeting Sawamura’s eyes steadily.

 

“I think, no matter what the people believe, if these rebels attempt or succeed in killing their Emperor the country would turn on itself and those attempting to seize control would suffer the same fate as you.”  Ukai’s fingers tightened on the katana, eyes turning sharp. “But to do so they would have to get past us. Tanaka-san will escort you to your duties tonight.” Ukai bowed respectfully as Sugawara and Azumane approached from behind Sawamura.

 

“Is everything alright?”  Sugawara asked worriedly as the two men helped Sawamura prepare for bed.

 

“If the palace is overtaken I want you two to flee.”  Both men stared at him with wide, surprise-filled eyes.  “That is an order.” That shocked them into movement once more and Sawamura thought he saw a light sheen in Azumane’s eyes.

 

Sawamura was raised to treat all his people, no matter their position or lot in life, as equals to each other.  He was the single exception to that because he was always held separate. He could not show favoritism, he could not care and he certainly could not love.  But no matter what his tutors told him, how his mother reminded him every night that he was a step above others, how his own father had treated him with distance, Sawamura was only human.  Perhaps if others knew they would find it a flaw in their Emperor, the mark that maybe he was never meant to hold the position he did. But he cared deeply, he loved these two men and others like Tanaka and the Ukai family.

 

If Sawamura were to die at the hands of rebels or an assassin he would not want those people to die with him simply because they stood behind him.

 

Inevitably his thoughts conjure up another person, someone he’s not sure if he’s ever going to see again considering the current predicament the country is in.  Sawamura hadn’t even gotten to give a proper goodbye, let alone confess any of his true feelings. Sometimes he felt as if Kuroo didn’t believe Sawamura’s intentions to be real and Sawamura had believed they’d have time to work through those insecurities.  Now it was unlikely that Sawamura would see Kuroo again due to where his loyalties fell.

 

Sawamura stared at his desk, saw the paper there and came to a sudden conclusion.  He instructed Sugawara and Azumane to wait, felt their curious eyes on him as he knelt down to write out a quick letter.  It was barely legible, his brushstrokes would probably make his old tutor Takeda fall over but Sawamura thought that was for the best.  He didn’t want anyone else to know that the letter came from the Emperor, so he didn’t sign it. He put a simple crow at the bottom, hoping that Kuroo would understand.

 

“Do you know the man who goes by the name Kuroo Tetsurou?”  Sawamura asked, glancing up at Sugawara who stood straighter at being addressed.

 

“He was with-” Azumane cut himself off, looking like he was about to start bowing and apologizing for bringing up the people who had started the insurrection.

 

“Tall with black hair?”  Sugawara questioned, smoothly covering up for Azumane’s blunder.  Sawamura made an affirmative noise, rolling the paper before it was properly dried and cringing as the ink smeared but there wasn’t much he could do about that now.

 

“If you see him when you-” Sawamura frowned slightly as he stood up before continuing once more.  “If you see him, give this to him.” Sawamura held out the rolled up parchment, almost considered taking it back and burning it.  Sugawara took the scroll, holding it close to his chest and giving a deep bow.

 

“It would be my honor.”  Sugawara didn’t question him further, not with words or an expression, simply took the scroll and ushered Azumane out of the room.  Sawamura trusted Sugawara, trusted Azumane too. They had been raised to fill their roles the same as Sawamura, had grown up together and knew more about him than anyone else.  He knew he could never confide in them, could never ask them to bare the burden of those secrets. This was the closet that Sawamura could get to saying goodbye to Kuroo, to thanking him for the few precious moments of being treated as not just an Emperor, but as an actual breathing, thinking, and feeling man.

 

Kuroo must have known that their time was coming to a close.  His touches had become nearly desperate the last time they were together but Sawamura had gotten lost in the other man like he always did, caught up in the windstorm of fervent kisses and choked off words.

 

Sawamura pressed his fingers against his chest where a dull ache seemed to settle, but he knew the pain was much deeper than muscle and bone.  That it lay there in his soul and he would carry it around with him for the rest of his life. Even though it hurt he was glad for it, glad that he was able to experience something so deep and profound even if it was only for a short period of time.

 

Sawamura was glad to have met Kuroo, to have given him a piece of himself.  He didn’t think anything could change that.

 

By the time Sawamura was ten years old he had a total of seventeen attempts on his life, and those had only been the ones that had gotten close to him that he knew of.  The moment he was born his life was in danger and he was assigned highly trained individuals that would, without hesitation, give up their life for a child that was not their own.  It was how Ukai Keishin’s father died, how Azumane attained a jagged scar across his wide chest, why Sawamura no longer felt any fear or apprehension.

 

When Tanaka pulled Sawamura out of a ritual, still weighed down by heavy ceremonial robes, Sawamura knew the situation was serious but his heart rate remained the same.  Tanaka was a handful of years younger than Sawamura, but he was strong and fast and completely devoted. So Sawamura followed the young samurai’s footsteps without question or complaint.  If Edo had become unsafe for the Emperor than they would likely escape the city and travel to one of the other palaces, a better fortified one while the shinsengumi took care of the problem in the city.

 

“I will take Nishinoya-san to clear the way, wait for my signal.”  Ukai instructed Tanaka, who give a quick nod before the shorter samurai followed Ukai down the darkened hall.  Sawamura stayed his tongue, though he was curious what was causing this but he knew Tanaka was listening for any unfamiliar sounds and Sawamura did not want to distract him.

 

Sawamura wished that he had time to change from the heavy silk ceremonial kimono.  It didn’t allow him much movement and he certainly couldn’t do anything quickly. The headdress was also uncomfortable though he never complained about either.

 

A long, low whistle came shattered the silence.

 

“Please, Your Imperial Highness.”  Tanaka motioned to the opposite way Ukai and Nishinoya had disappeared down.  Sawamura frowned but he didn’t hesitate to follow Tanaka even as he worried over the other two men.  Had the rebels snuck into the palace, had gotten so far already?

 

Tanaka stepped fully in front of Sawamura, making him come to a sudden stop as Tanaka pulled out his wakizashi, the soft sound of metal sliding against wood made Sawamura’s senses heighten.  A dark figure stepped out from the shadows, hands raised and empty.

 

Sawamura stared at Kuroo over Tanaka’s shoulder, heart beating the same rhythm it always did when he was sure it should be breaking.  Despite Tanaka’s confrontational attitude and bravado he never pulled his weapon unless he was completely certain he was going to use it.  He had the honor of the samurai’s of old, the ones from dusty and cracked scrolls who stood against armies and protected those who could not protect themselves.  Tanaka never pulled his weapon unless there was a true enemy before him.

 

Kuroo’s hands stayed raised to just about his shoulders, his face was a shade paler than Sawamura had last seen it, the darkness beneath his eyes more pronounced.  His hands were raised but Sawamura had seen how fast Kuroo could be and unlike Tanaka who despised the things, Kuroo had a pistol on the opposite side he kept his own sword.

 

“Move aside, I will only say it once.”  Tanaka warned, body loosening in a way Sawamura knew signified he was getting ready to move, to attack.

 

“They have already cut all exits off,” Kuroo was speaking but it wasn’t to Tanaka, his eyes were steady on Sawamura.  Sawamura saw Tanaka’s shoulders tense slightly so he put a hand on one, a request to hold off the attack but not a command.  “If this continues many innocent people will be harmed or killed.”

 

“You have a better solution?”  Sawamura asked, surprised at how steady his voice was when he felt like he was coming apart at the seams.

 

“If you give up without a fight then the others will too, I’ll personally escort you to safety.”  Kuroo offered and Ukai’s words rang through Sawamura’s head. Too many would rise up if he were to be killed, it seems Kuroo and his people had come to the same conclusion.  If Sawamura seemed to willingly give control up there would be less reason to fight since the Emperors words were kin to a gods.

 

The pain that had been aching inside Sawamura’s chest since he had thought he would never see Kuroo again grew and twisted into something else, something that burned and hurt.  Sawamura had never felt something so ugly, had never even come close to the raging storm inside himself as he fought for steady ground to stay on.

 

Tanaka stayed silent, an unmovable force in front of Sawamura.  He would die for his Emperor, Sawamura understood that completely and that helped pull him out of his own spiralling thoughts.  Tanaka was waiting for his words so Sawamura tightened his hold on the daimyo’s shoulder.

 

“Put your sword away.”  Sawamura ordered, resisting a flinch when he heard how devoid his own voice was.  Tanaka startled but he didn’t turn in surprise, kept his eyes glued to the current enemy.  “Don’t dishonor me now Tanaka-san.” Tanaka’s movements were jerky but he put the wakizashi away instantly.

 

“Your Imperial Emperor?”  Tanaka questioned, voice faltering near the end.

 

“I’ll only come with you if you give your word my people will not be harmed.”  Sawamura said instead of addressing Tanaka’s own worries.

 

“As long as they do not put up a fight no harm will come to them.”  Kuroo promised. Sawamura wanted to laugh at that for what did Kuroo’s words mean now that he’s proven himself to be a snake?  A liar? A man without honor or morals. Something must have showed on Sawamura’s face because Kuroo’s eyes dropped to somewhere behind Sawamura.

 

“Go Tanaka-san.”  Sawamura ordered, removing his hand from Tanaka’s shoulder.  Tanaka turned then, eyes big and lost looking. If Sawamura was being removed from his position than it was likely that the daimyo’s and anyone else who stood by his side would be too, which meant Tanaka had family to protect.  “Go.” Sawamura said more firmly. Tanaka’s eyes filled with unshed tears as he bowed deeply before turning sharply to Kuroo once more.

 

“If I hear of anything happening to him there will be no place you can hide, no safety found anywhere in this world or any other.”  Tanaka promised, hands curled into fists before he followed out Sawamura’s final order. Both Sawamura and Kuroo watched him go before Kuroo turned back towards Sawamura.

 

“Dai-” Something must have crossed Sawamura’s face for Kuroo cut himself off sharply.  Sawamura tried to swallow down the boiling anger, the betrayal and the seemingly never ending pain beneath that.  He wouldn’t give Kuroo the satisfaction, he wouldn’t let anyone know how broken he felt. “We don’t want to hurt you.”  Sawamura gave a hollow sounding laugh.

 

“Stop speaking, I’ve had enough of your lies.”  Sawamura stared at a point above Kuroo’s head, unable to continue looking into those gray eyes any longer.  He called upon every shred of training he’d ever undergone, pulled an unmovable mask over his face so they would never know how they had humiliated him, how they had broken him.  His soul and heart might be shattered but he would not let them ever see it. “Show me where we are to go.”

 

Kuroo looked as if he might try speaking again but decided against it, to which Sawamura felt a strange mixture of satisfaction and more burning anger.  Kuroo turned and Sawamura followed. Did he not have anything more to say? Was he glad that the farce was over? Did he brag about how easy to manipulate the Emperor was?

 

Sawamura felt bile rise in his throat but he clenched his teeth.  He would not show any outward reaction, he would not give this man anymore of himself than he already had.

 

There would be no time for goodbyes, no time to visit the graves of his parents one last time which Sawamura thought was probably for the best for how ashamed they would be at the fall of their son.  All he could do was hold onto the singular hope that those he cared about, those who had been by his side all these years had found safety and would continue on with their lives. That and sheer stubbornness kept Sawamura’s feet moving.

 

Sawamura hardly remembered the journey.  There had been a swaying palanquin and a long ride on the waterways that met up with a large boat.  Sawamura was kept in a small dimly lit room, watched as a new day rose from a grimy port window and the endless stretch of ocean before him.  There had been a wave of fear that hit him when he thought they were taking him away from Japan, the only home he had known, but they stuck close to the coast and unless they met up with a bigger ship Sawamura knew this one wasn’t meant for long distance travel.

 

With every new setting Sawamura thought this might be the end, that they were taking him out of Edo and away from his people to properly deal with him.  It would be easy to lie and say the Emperor had retired someplace far away, more difficult to keep a living man somewhere. Sawamura expected a pistol to be pointed at him, a blade to his neck, perhaps to be weighted down and thrown overboard at any moment.  Maybe they would sell him or strip him before putting him in a work prison.

 

So it was with genuine surprise that Sawamura looked upon the large building that sprawled before him.  Clearly more modern then the palaces Sawamura had been raised in, with dark green roofing and white sides.  Ginkgo trees painted the landscape beautifully, the leaves bright against all the other greenery.

 

Sawamura followed Kuroo once more into the house, feelings eyes on him from every direction.  He had grown used to the attention, people had always stopped what they were doing when he walked into a room but it was different now.  Everyone seemed to look at Kuroo first before their eyes finally landed on Sawamura. He was still in his ceremonial robes, the headpiece so heavy it had started to make his head pound quite some time ago.

 

Finally Kuroo came to a stop and slid open a door.

 

“This will be your room.”  Kuroo said, his voice almost startled Sawamura who seemed to snap back to the current situation at the sudden interruption of his own inner thoughts.  Sawamura stepped into the room without looking at Kuroo. It was large in size, though smaller than his quarters in the palace and scarcely decorated. There was a futon in the corner and a low table but nothing else.

 

Ever since he was young Sawamura battled with his own anger, he had been warned many times how useless that emotion was but right now it seemed about the only thing keeping him standing.  So he pulled the anger tightly around him, let it fill every part of his being. He would not falter, he would not allow them any sign of weakness from him.

 

Sawamura turned and met Kuroo’s eyes for the first time since he realized the betrayal.  It had nearly been a full day, the sun was setting outside. It felt equal parts like an eternity had passed and as if it was only moments ago.

 

“Yachi-san has been assigned to get anything you require.”  Kuroo’s voice sounded like it was coming from very far away.  A young girl, timid and small stepped into the room and bowed deeply.  Sawamura thought she might have said something but Kuroo was talking once more and it took all of Sawamura’s will not to throw himself at the man.

 

What would he even do?  Try and strike Kuroo? Hurt or kill him?  Sawamura was no trained soldier and even if he was he had a feeling Kuroo would be better.  Kuroo excelled in everything he did, even getting the Emperor to trust and let him near.

 

It was with that that Sawamura realized he would not be killed, not now and most likely at no time in the near future.  He wouldn’t be ill treated or harmed in anyway. Kuroo could have killed Sawamura at any point in the last few months, he could have easily talked Sawamura into following him outside the safety of the palace and into the waiting arms of kidnappers.  But he didn’t because they wanted the Emperors stepping down to be public, they wanted the entire city to know so that it would spread throughout Japan how the rebels had slowly built up support until even the Emperor could not fight back.

 

Sawamura felt a fool and hatred was an easy emotion to settle on.  Anger and loathing were kept close to him because otherwise he felt he might fall apart completely.  Hatred kept the other feelings at bay but he knew it wouldn’t last forever. His anger had always been quick to flare up but even faster to dissipate and he did not want others around to see him when it was gone, leaving him empty and hollow with nothing but memories turned ugly to keep him company.

 

“I am tired.”  Sawamura stated, meeting Kuroo’s eyes because every instinct wanted him to stare at the floor like a kicked dog.  He would not allow Kuroo or anyone else to see how hurt he was, how deeply the betrayal cut him.

 

Yachi bowed deeply, squeaking out a formal goodbye before she walked out.  Kuroo hesitated a moment and Sawamura stared him down across the room, daring him to say anything more.  He didn’t, just bowed deeply before sliding the door closed behind him. 

 

Sawamura could hear low voices from outside as he removed the headdress and let it drop to the floor.  He found his energy completely waning, not even making an effort to remove the heavy ceremonial clothes as he crossed the room to the futon.  It was comfortable, the furs on it soft to the touch but Sawamura hardly noticed that at all as he curled up close to the wall and closed his eyes.

 

The days grew colder but Sawamura barely noticed the passing of time.  There was a door in his room that led outside, it seemed like tempting fate for it to be there but he never stepped close.  He assumed there was a guard there just like there was one stationed in the hallway, one he could spot every time someone slid open the door to the bedroom he occupied.  

 

Yachi brought him food and new clothes to change into.  Sawamura wore the same thing everyday, barely moved from his spot on the futon and pretended to sleep when Yachi brought him in trays of food to replace the one he barely touched.

 

Kuroo visited also, sometimes accompanied by Yachi but often times alone.  He attempted to start conversations though Sawamura refused to do anything but meet his eyes steadily.  Kuroo told him of things that were going on, how Sawamura was to sign something that basically gave up any right he had to be Emperor.  He explained where they were, the sights outside, the people who made up the home but Sawamura continued to add nothing to the conversation so it usually died out and Kuroo left with slumped shoulders.

 

Sawamura refused to feel anything towards the other man.  He recognized that even feeling hatred towards him gave Kuroo too much power, so he kept his face blank as he tried to tell himself that he felt nothing.

 

Sawamura heard Kuroo’s voice outside once more and as much as he wanted to pretend to sleep he refused to stay laying down when Kuroo approached.  So Sawamura pushed himself to his feet, ignored all the aches and pains of laying too long and not giving his body enough food and drink. He didn’t have time to think of that too much longer as the door slid open and Yachi came in carrying a tray.

 

Yachi’s face fell when she saw that the tray from that morning hadn’t been touched, Sawamura couldn’t remember the last full meal he had.  His throat felt sore and scratchy, his head too light. But Yachi said nothing as she put the new tray down and took the old one, bowing formally to Sawamura before leaving the room.  Sawamura’s stomach twisted as he recognized the smell of his favorite food, something Kuroo was aware of.

 

“I came to bring you this, you don’t have to read it.”  Kuroo held out a leatherbound book that looked familiar to Sawamura.  It was something Sawamura had seen Kuroo writing in late at night, but Sawamura had never pushed to know what it was.  When Sawamura made no move to take it from him Kuroo placed it next to the food with a sigh. “It’s not meant as an excuse, just an explanation.”  Kuroo once again looked like he was going to say something more but held his tongue. Sawamura watched him retreat out of the room before he looked down at the book.

 

Sawamura thought of ripping it apart or tossing it out of the room completely but even those thoughts left him quickly as his anger fled.  He was too exhausted to hold onto any strong emotions for too long and he found himself crossing the room and sitting down at the table before he even realized he’d done it.

 

Kuroo’s familiar handwriting greeted him as he opened the book.  It was a messy sprawl, sometimes using the wrong symbol or switching to Chinese.  Luckily Sawamura had an extensive education and with only slight trouble he found he could easily read it, though Sawamura wished he couldn’t when he realized it was a journal from when they had first met.

 

Sawamura surmised that he could not lose much more than he already had by reading it so he pushed on.  It was an odd thing, reading about events that had passed, things he had been apart of but seeing it from a completely different point of view.  Kuroo’s intentions had been clear from the start, he was to gather information and get as close to the Emperor as possible. There were detailed sketches of the palace itself, guard rotations, servant schedules, and more.  Local gossip was added into Kuroo’s own personal experiences, it seemed as if Sawamura wasn’t the only one who had placed his trust in Kuroo.

 

More difficult was reading about Kuroo’s accurate judgement of Sawamura.  Sawamura felt his stomach twist painfully, glad that it was empty as he read how Kuroo had correctly surmised that Sawamura desperately craved a personal touch.  Kuroo had found Sawamura surprisingly cunning and wholly charming, he had guessed early on that Sawamura wanted nothing more than to have a solid, real connection with another person that didn’t involve his status and responsibilities.

 

Several times Sawamura found himself pushing the book across the table, pressed fingers against his chest at the dull ache residing inside him before ultimately grabbing the book to continue reading.  It was insanity, Sawamura knew there was nothing in there that could possibly make things better.

 

Kuroo reasoned that having physical relations with Sawamura was fine, he found Sawamura attractive after all and he believed the Emperor to sleep with any number of people.  He had been surprised to learn, after their first night together, that Sawamura had not allowed anyone that close to him ever. Yet the plotting still continued. There was a list of people Kuroo had noted who would never follow Kuroo’s own people because they were completely loyal to Sawamura.

 

Sawamura’s personality, his very person was broken down into a couple lists and words.  His favorite foods or places to be, Kuroo had even arranged meeting by the cherry tree for the first time because he knew Sawamura used it as a place to escape from his duties.  Kuroo noted that Sawamura cared very deeply for his people, that the way to get an easy surrender was to threaten those people. His weaknesses, strengths, the things he loved or hated were all there plainly as if he hadn’t been human at all.

 

It didn’t matter that Kuroo wrote about his hesitation, his guilt or shame at going about things the way he did.  It never stopped him, it didn’t change anything.

 

Sawamura thought reading it wouldn’t make anything worse but as he flipped the final page he knew that for the hopeless lie it had been.  Some small part of himself that he hadn’t even realized was there had hoped there was some logical explanation, that there was an apology that would make it all go away.  That small part shrivelled and died inside Sawamura and he felt, for truly the first time in his life, what it was like to be completely and utterly alone without hope for a better tomorrow.

  
  
  
  


**Winter**

  
  
  
  


Sawamura did not bother trying to leave the room, he was not sure if he was even allowed to and he had too much pride to step outside and ask his guards.  He most likely could ask Yachi but she was such a nervous little thing, he did not want her caught anymore in the middle of this than she already was. She always asked if there was anything he needed or what he would like for meals if the ones she brought were not satisfactory.  Sawamura never asked for anything because he knew the one thing he truly wanted was not within her power to give.

 

Sawamura judged time passing by the his guards changing and the meals Yachi came by with.  Nights became colder and Yachi came with heated stones to place underneath the futon every night though Sawamura hardly moved from his spot.

 

From the whispers Sawamura heard and the things Yachi let slip he knew Kuroo had left after turning over his journal to Sawamura, which felt like an otherwise cowardly move if Sawamura did not now know he held a high position in whatever new government they were forming.  It was near a month until Sawamura saw Kuroo once more, the man striding into the room like he owned it. Which Sawamura supposed he did.

 

Kuroo looked at the book, which Sawamura had left on the table before his eyes scanned the room.  Sawamura stood silently, waiting for the other man to break the quiet.

 

“This is your room now, whatever you need all you have to do is ask for it.”  Kuroo said and Sawamura felt his eyebrows furrow, giving away emotion when he did not want to give a shred of it to the man before him.  Sawamura let an uncomfortable silence settle between them once more before deciding to speak.

 

“Is that what you came to say?”  Sawamura asked, his voice raspy from disuse.  All he did everyday was sleep but he felt exhausted, weighed down in a way that he never had before.  His hair, which had been unwashed and generally uncared for since he arrived was in terrible tangles and made his head pound.

 

“Did you read it?”  Kuroo questioned Sawamura back.

 

“Yes.”  Sawamura answered honestly, there was no use in lying.  “Did you expect that to make everything better?” The bump in Kuroo’s long throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed, Sawamura remembered pressing his lips there and his stomach reacted violently to that tainted memory.

 

“I had a duty to fulfill.”  Kuroo stated quietly and Sawamura felt all of his anger come surging back at those handful of words.

 

“Do not speak to me of duty!”  Sawamura had never yelled in his entire life, even when he was a child he was taught to be quiet and dignified in everything he did.  Yelling was not for Emperors but then again, Sawamura was not the Emperor anymore. He still did not want the guards to rush in, further mortifying him.  “I know of duty and responsibilities, I do not care that the ones you promised yourself to were at odds with my own. I care about how you went about your so-called duties.”  Sawamura spat the last words out angrily.

 

“I’m sorry-” But Sawamura interrupted him because he could not hear excuses or empty apologies.

 

“Stop lying to me.”  Sawamura bit out. Kuroo came to life at that, eyes blaring and showing the first sign of real emotion.

 

“I’m not lying, I am sorry for how things turned out.”  Kuroo stated but Sawamura could only snort in derision.

 

“Would you do it again?”  Sawamura asked and could tell by the look on Kuroo’s face what the answer was even if the man was unwilling to say it outloud.  Sawamura strode over to the journal before tossing it at Kuroo, who caught it easily. “Then it is a meaningless apology, meant to placate and dismiss blame.  I understand your goals, I do not take that personally for you would have overthrown any Emperor, but you claimed to care about me-”

 

“I do care about you.”  Kuroo said quickly, firmly but Sawmaura was not done yet.

 

“You do not treat people you love that way.”  Sawamura said, pushing the words out through blinding agony.  He did not know that being harmed in such a way that wasn’t physical could hurt so badly.  “You could have gone about obtaining your goals a different way. I trusted you far before we had physical relations but you continued it even knowing how this would all end.”

 

“I know it was selfish, I never meant for any of that to happen-”

 

“Another lie, you knew exactly what you were doing, you listed out all my strengths and weaknesses in that book.  You made me care for you, you made me love and trust you so you could get close to me. So when the moment came you could threaten the right people to make me do what you wanted me to do.”  Once Sawamura started speaking all the words that had gathered inside his own mind started spilling out with no end in stop. “And now you think that some written words and half of an apology will solve everything?”

 

“Of course not.”  Kuroo answered when it was clear Sawamura wasn’t going to continue unless Kuroo said something.

 

“Then let you and I make a deal.”  Sawamura stepped away from Kuroo who looked up in surprise.  “I will sign any document you want, I will stay hidden away here and I will make sure that my family line ends with me.  I will not try to fight or argue, I won’t try to escape or build up an army but there is just one thing I want in return.”

 

“Anything.”  Kuroo said instantly.

 

“I want you to stay away from me.”  Sawamura let the words lay between them for several breaths, watched the color drain from Kuroo’s face and felt a complicated emotion bubble up inside him.  Even after everything that had happened Sawamura did not want to cause Kuroo any pain, but Sawamura could not continue on into the foreseeable future with Kuroo coming into his life whenever he wished to.  It was too humiliating, too shameful and far too painful. “I will be the model prisoner as long as we have little contact with each other. I understand this is your house so it will be impossible to promise no contact, but there will be no more visits to this room unless absolutely necessary, no more bringing me meals or coming to talk about how lovely the country is.”

 

“Sawamura-san.”  Kuroo’s voice was hoarse and Sawamura couldn’t quite hide the flinch at the use of his name, though he was glad Kuroo hadn’t used his given one.

 

“If you were telling the truth and you actually cared about me, even a little then you will do this, you will give me this one thing.”  Sawamura kept his voice firm, his entire body was tensed as if readying for a fight. Kuroo stared across the room at Sawamura for a long while, as if he thought if he was quiet for long enough than Sawamura would take back his words.  But it was the one thing Sawamura thought might get him through the long future that stretched ahead of him, for he could not continue on the with how everything was going now.

 

“If that is what you wish.”  Kuroo finally said. He stood in the same spot for another moment, eyes studying Sawamura’s face before he dipped into a low bow.  Without another word Kuroo turned and left the room, sliding the door quietly but firmly behind him.

 

Sawamura wasn’t sure how long he stood rooted to the same spot but he was brought back when Yachi came into the room, carrying another tray.  Sawamura was not hungry but he knew how he had been treating himself was wrong, that he had to maintain his strength.

 

“Yachi-san, can you get me a knife?”  At the young girls look of alarm Sawamura corrected himself.  “Or scissors?”

 

“Scissors?  Oh yes! I can do that, right away!”  Yachi bowed no less than five times in rapid succession before she practically ran out of the room.  Sawamura pulled his hand away from his hair, where he had been trying to work out a tangle but he knew it was a lost cause.

 

Sawamura sat down to eat a bit of the miso soup provided.  He tried not to think of everything he had lost, the dishonour he had brought upon himself and his family, the country that he loved.  He had to work hard to convince himself that everyone had gotten out safely, that they would be fine.

 

Sawamura also tried to push Kuroo to the furthest corner of his mind.  He knew not everything had been resolved, that the hurt and anger would take a long time to dissolve completely.  He had to believe that it would eventually go away, though he had no prior experience in such areas and no one to talk to or ask advice about it, but he held onto that believe because he could not imagine carrying around that pain for the rest of his life.  He had to believe it would lessen, fade away with time and distance.

 

Yachi returned with the scissors and Sawamura took them gratefully.  He grabbed hold of his hair, once kept perfectly orderly by Azumane but now just another painful memory of what had been taken from him.  As Yachi cleaned, her back to Sawamura, he angled the sharp scissors and cut through the thick locks.

 

Yachi’s gasp made Sawamura look up from where he was clutching the now cut hair.  He felt it hit his neck at different lengths and thought he perhaps should have asked for a mirror, or waited until Yachi had left.  

 

“Could you cut the rest of it for me?”  Sawamura asked, the words felt foreign in his mouth.  He had never before had to request something of another, but he was not quite sure what his position was here.  Yachi only hesitated for a fraction of a moment before she seemed to steel herself, gave a sharp nod and took the scissors with care.

 

“How short would you like it, Your Imperial Highness?”  Yachi asked.

 

“Not quite bald but close to it.”  Sawamura answered. “And I don’t think that title refers to me anymore.”  He added after Yachi started carefully cutting his hair.

 

“What title would you like me to use?”  Yachi asked softly, hesitantly. Perhaps Sawamura wasn’t the only one unsure about his place here.

 

“Sawamura will be fine.”  Yachi made a distressed noise that she quickly cut off but it still made the ghost of a smile cross Sawamura’s lips.  “Where are you from?”

 

“Edo, Your- I mean, Sawamura-san.”  Yachi forced out the name and Sawamura closed his eyes as he felt the weight lifting off his head.  “I worked in the palace, Kuroo-san brought me here with you.” Sawamura opened his eyes at that in surprise.

 

“I’m sorry you were taken away from your home.”  Sawamura did not remember her from the palace but that was not surprising.  The servants who did not directly serve him were taught to make themselves scarce and the servants quarters were far from his own.  He wondered if she had been torn away from her family and friends, if she resented Sawamura for his weakness.

 

“I am not.”  Yachi said, fingers leaving Sawamura’s hair so he turned to look at her.  Her young face was pale and her eyes quickly diverted from looking into his.  “I lied, I am sorry. I snuck onto the boat, I thought- I saw them take you and I thought maybe I could help?  Cause a distraction so you could get away but I was found.” Sawamura found himself surprised once again.

 

“That was a very dangerous thing to do.”  Sawamura had thought Yachi timid and hesitant in every action, but it seemed there was bravery and courage running through her small body.

 

“I know but I had to help, or at least try to.”  Yachi sighed, her thin shoulders slumping. “But Kuroo-san found me, he made me confess to what I was planning and I thought I was going to die but instead he asked me to be your personal servant.  He said you deserved to have someone you could trust. Not that you have to trust me! But I don’t care what anyone says, you will always be my Emperor.” Following that bold statement Yachi reached back to grab a fistfull of her own long hair before cutting it off.  The loose hair fell to about her chin and Sawamura stared at the cut pieces.

 

Sawamura did not allow that to sway his opinion of Kuroo at all, but it did tempt him to place his trust in someone else once more.


	2. 1868

**1868**

**Spring**

  
  
  
  


Sawamura ran an absent hand through his hair, it was a habit he found himself doing more often as he gradually got used to the shortened length.  The shock of seeing himself with a fuzz of hair on his head after Yachi had cut it made him second guess himself but now that it had gained just a bit of length he found it suited him better.  It was also much easier to maintain, he barely had to rub a cloth over his head after he bathed and it was dry.

 

It was odd, not being Emperor anymore.  As Sawamura had promised he had signed any document put in front of him, he was the perfect prisoner and he hadn’t caught sight of Kuroo since their last conversation months ago.  Sawamura was not Emperor anymore but people still treated him separately, which he guessed was to be expected. He was not apart of this group, was not at the house by choice.

 

Most kept their distance from Sawamura but even with a heavy heart weighing him down and shame sitting uncomfortably on his shoulders, Sawamura could not spend the rest of his days hiding away in his room.  Even when he was forced to sit still for long lengths of time it had always felt like time crawled by. He enjoyed riding and archery, and despite his public stance on isolation he loved to gather any information about the outside world he could.

 

There were a few who could not necessarily keep physical distance from his, those set to guard him.  Though Sawamura was unsure of why, he wasn’t foolish enough to try and escape out into the unknown countryside.  He knew his experience with the outside world was limited, that he would stand no chance at surviving for even a short amount of time in the sprawling mountains and never ending forest that surrounded them.

 

Kai was the more outwardly friendly guard, though he gave the least amount of information.  He seemed to share Kuroo’s cleverness, though Kai hid his behind an always amiable smile and an unshakable attitude.  He answered Sawamura’s questions with patience but never seemed truly give anything of importance away. Sawamura thought he should find it more frustrating than he did but it forced him to interact with another person in a way he never had to before.  It tested his own cunning, his patience, and intelligence.

 

Sawamura had gotten off on the wrong foot with Yaku, who appeared much younger than he really was, which ended up being even older than Sawamura.  The short man was quick to anger but easy to appease. The way he swayed from one emotion to the next, never seeming to hide anything was refreshing to Sawamura.  That sort of honesty had almost made Sawamura overlook how sharp witted Yaku himself was, how much he saw and understood without Sawamura having to really say anything.

 

Yamamoto had seemed the most suspicious of Sawamura, always looking as if he expected the worst out of the former-Emperor.  Sawamura was never sure what Yamamoto expected, just that he had a little too much fun with teasing the other man when no one else was around to bare witness.  Sometimes Sawamura would step out of his room onto the long porch that wrapped around the outside of the house, where he knew Yamamoto always had the early morning guard duty.  He would look off to the east with narrowed eyes, as if calculating the distance before giving a too long look at Yamamoto’s katana.

 

“It is finally warming up.”  Sawamura said just when Yamamoto looked like he was about to blow.  Yamamoto’s face scrunched up comically and Sawamura remained cheerfully innocent.

 

“Do you want to go for a walk?”  Yamamoto asked gruffly, shoulders hitched high.  Sawamura had asked Yamamoto about it a month prior but it still had been frigidly cold and they had worried about Sawamura falling ill.  The air was crisper in the country but it also felt even colder there.

 

“I’ll follow your lead.”  Sawamura said, earning a happy grin from the easily soothed man.

 

Sawamura had tried not to let his every stray thought led back to Kuroo, berating himself when it inevitably did.  Over the months Sawamura had very little to do except think on things and he had come to the conclusion that simply wishing something away would not make it so.  The relationship between Kuroo and Sawamura had happened, the betrayal and lying had happened. It was a pivotal moment in Sawamura’s life and it was unlikely barring some traumatic head injury that he would ever forget it, especially only months after the event.

 

So Sawamura started to give himself some leeway, he allowed himself an ounce of forgiveness every once and awhile.  He couldn’t help that most thoughts led back to Kuroo when he was living in the man's house and was surrounded by Kuroo’s own people.

 

Having interactions with Kuroo’s people meant Sawamura learned more about them but also got some insight into Kuroo.  Yachi was a wellspring of information, people tended to open up to her a lot more easily than him and she interacted with the other servants who mostly outwardly avoided Sawamura.  Yachi kept no secrets from Sawamura and she had informed him that Kai was Kuroo’s second in command, Yaku had travelled for years with Kuroo, and Yamamoto was the best fighter he had.

 

These were the people that Kuroo choose to surround himself with, those that he trusted the most.  The crafty, cunning type with mostly easy personalities. Even Yamamoto’s tough exterior was simple to crack.  He turned an almost alarming shade of red whenever Yachi was near, he stayed respectful to Sawamura even when Sawamura teased him, and Yachi had once heard him reprimand another servant when he heard them saying some unsavory things about Sawamura.

 

It did not make Sawamura see Kuroo in any favorable light, but it was an insight he had not had when they had known each other in Edo.

 

Something red caught Sawamura’s attention in the distance, up further on a mountain and surrounded by newly brought back to life greenery.  Trees had blocked his view of it from where he usually stood just outside his room but Yamamoto and walked in nearly to the opposite side of the house.

 

“What is that up there?”  Sawamura asked, watching as Yamamoto’s head bobbed, ducking down and trying to see where Sawamura was pointing from the shorter man’s height.  “The red spot.”

 

“Oh that is the temple.”  Yamamoto smiled. “It was abandoned when we came here, Kuroo makes the younger recruits walk up there daily and work on repairs as part of their training but it’s mostly just to wear them out a bit.”  

 

“Someone built a temple all the way up there?”  Sawamura asked in surprise. If people made daily treks to it perhaps it would be acceptable for Sawamura to go also?  “Could I visit it?” Sawamura turned to see Yamamoto open his mouth to answer before closing it quickly with an audible snap.

 

“I am sorry.”  Yamamoto apologized slowly but Sawamura was already smiling through his disappointment.

 

“I imagine you cannot make that decision yourself, it is fine if you have to ask-” Sawamura found he could not say Kuroo’s name though the other man refused to leave his mind.  “ _ Someone _ for permission.  If you do not bring it up I will take that as a no.”  Even if Sawamura was no longer the Emperor some people, like Yamamoto, still had a difficult time denying him anything.  He thought it might be because he hardly ever asked for anything that people seemed to rush to please when he did ask.

 

“Thank you.”  Yamamoto said softly.

 

It was with complete surprise that the next day Yamamoto cheerfully informed Sawamura that they were planning a trip to the temple.  The weather was still a little too unpredictable to go then and they needed to make a clearer path than the one the younger men took everyday to get up there, which apparently involved a lot of unnecessary climbing.

 

“I would like to come with you.”  Yachi spoke up suddenly as Sawamura was explaining everything that night when Yachi brought him his evening meal.  “Please.” Yachi squeaked out, her face turning red when she realized the request she had nearly demanded from Sawamura.  Sawamura could only smile at that.

 

“Of course, but I was hoping you could find something lighter for me to wear?”  Sawamura was no longer Emperor, was not much of anything truthfully but Yachi somehow still managed to get him the nicest of clothes in the finest fabrics.  “Maybe something that could take getting mud on it.” Yachi nodded enthusiastically, her eyes blazing with her sudden task. Sawamura forced his face to remain neutral and not to laugh least she thought he was mocking her.

 

A drop in temperature and a bit of rain stopped them from going for the next two days but on the third the skies cleared up and the sun shined down, warming and drying the ground.  Sawamura was too busy in the kitchen to pay much attention to the weather though, standing side by side with Yachi as they both stared at what was supposed to be his offering to the small shrine.

 

Sawamura bit the inside of his cheek as he looked down at Yachi from the corner of his eye.  Her face was a mixture of emotions, her mouth opening and closing as she struggled to say anything, to find just one scrap of goodness in the mess Sawamura had made.  Neither knew how it had gotten to that point, Yachi had been there every step of the way and while Sawamura had never made anything in his life Yachi had experience enough for the both of them.  Neither could decide how it had gone so horribly wrong and Yachi, bless her soul, was trying to find some good in all the bad.

 

“Should I try again?”  Sawamura asked, breaking the silence and watching as Yachi jumped, eyes wide and apologetic.  Sawamura could handle it no longer and started to laugh, attention landing back on his offering once more.  He covered his mouth but it was no use.

 

Sawamura had asked Yachi to help him make an offering to take up to the shrine, but he had wanted to do all the work himself.  Cooking was just following basic instructions and Sawamura was skilled at many things in his life so listening to Yachi’s easy to understand steps should have been simple.  The supposedly simple food was nearly unrecognizable, some parts burnt black while others remained uncooked. It was a horrid looking thing but Sawamura had an important favor to ask so he wanted to make the offering himself.

 

Yachi’s face was in complete awe as Sawamura turned back to her, cutting his laughter off quick as he tilted his head in a silent question.

 

“Sorry!”  Yachi apologized, cheeks turning red before she covered them with both hands and looked away.

 

“It is fine.”  Sawamura assured her.  Yachi looked up at him before glancing away.  “Please tell me if there is something wrong.”

 

“I am sorry if this is bold of me to say but I know you have not been happy here, no one would be when forced into it like you were.”  Yachi said quietly, the words coming quicker as she continued speaking as if she had been bottling them up for a long time now. “But even in Edo I never saw you laugh like that.”  Sawamura scratched at his nose in slight embarrassment.

 

“Is it an ugly sound?”  Sawamura asked worriedly which prompted a yelp and flailed hands that nearly smacked him in the face.

 

“No!  Not at all!”  Yachi assured Sawamura quickly but before they could discuss anything further the sound of approaching footsteps came closer.  Yachi quickly put her back to the ruined offering, hiding it as they turned towards the kitchen entrance where Kai appeared a moment later.

 

“We are set to leave, do you need more time?”  Kai asked, face and tone amiable as always. Sawamura thought of the ruined offering but shook his head anyways, he wouldn’t keep everyone waiting when the chances were the second batch would turn out the same as the first.

 

“We will be right there.”  Sawamura said. Kai bowed politely before walking back the way he came.

 

“Sugawara-san once told me it was less about the offering itself and more about the meaning behind it.”  Yachi saying Sugawara’s name felt like a blow to his chest but he shoved away the crippling feeling and turned to look down at the younger woman.  “You put time and effort into making this when you could have asked someone else to do it, I think the gods will appreciate that.” She smiled, a bit hesitant but warm and true.  Sawamura smiled back even as he worried and feared for Sugawara and the others.

 

“I hope you’re right.”  Sawamura said as he carefully packaged the offering up.  “Though I learned not to argue with Sugawara-san, he usually is right.”  Yachi laughed and nodded in agreement as she packaged up her own, much better looking, offering.

 

It is easy for Sawamura to tuck all his uneasiness away.  The fear and the anxiety rolling around in his body is still there but he has decades of practice in putting an outwardly calm facade into place.  He’s not sure if he’ll ever know if the people he had grown to love over the years, that he had spent all his time with were alive let alone healthy or happy.  It makes guilt swell within him, for the contentedness he was already finding out in the country.

 

Sawamura steels himself to see Kuroo among their small party but with a quick glance around the tall man is nowhere in sight.  Sawamura releases a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding as he starts following the others towards the mountains. Kuroo had made good on his promise and made himself scarce, Sawamura had only caught sight of him a few times and even those were just simple glimpses.  Even those caused Sawamura’s heart to throb painfully and he knew he wasn’t quite ready to spend any extended amount of time with Kuroo, be forced to be civil when he still wanted to rage. Or do something even more embarrassing like cry.

 

The walk up to the shrine seemed to cause no distress to anyone other than Sawamura, who realized that along with never learning to cook he was beginning to suspect that he had never done anything physically difficult in his life.  The footwear and clothes were unfamiliar to Sawamura, simple garments Yachi had brought him and taught him how to put on himself. Failing in front of Yachi was one thing but to do it infront of men who were little more than his jailors?

 

“Haven’t you ever walked anywhere before?”  Yamamoto asked after they had paused so Yachi could pick out the debri embedded in Sawamura’s palm after he had taken a fall.  Sawamura felt his face heat up at the question, though he could tell no malice was meant. The mostly silent man who trailed behind them all hit Yamamoto behind his head with the palm of his head.  “Kenma!” Yamamoto yelped, rubbing his head and looking equal parts angry and morose.

 

“No he’s right, I can usually walk a straight line without falling over.”  Sawamura admitted, not surprised when no one smiled or laughed at his try at humor.  The silent man, Kozume Kenma, took a breath as he looked away.

 

“Walking uphill in a forest is a little different than walking the halls of a palace.”  Kai spoke up from where he was leaning against a tree.

 

“It’s like sealegs.”  Yamamoto said, forgetting his pain instantly as he gave Sawamura a grin.  “You just need to get your forest legs or mountain legs.” 

 

“You make it sound like I’m allowed to come back up here again.”  Sawamura had assumed it was a one time thing. He didn’t see a reason why the others would continually put the effort forth just because Sawamura wanted to explore.  Yamamoto and Kai exchanged a look as Kozume met Sawamura’s eyes for a moment.

 

“As long as conditions allow it I wouldn’t see why you couldn’t come back if that’s what you wished.”  Kai offered slowly, making Sawamura look at him in surprise.

 

Sawamura did not understand their reasoning.  They all had more important things to do than take the trek up a mountain to an old, abandoned shrine just to appease a man who was no longer Emperor.  Why would they make the offer then if they did not mean it? Sawamura was just meant to live a long life away from the public, it didn’t matter if he was happy.  So why go through all the trouble?

 

Instead of posing any of those questions out loud, Sawamura stood and continued the walk once Yachi had deemed his hand clean.  Sawamura was more careful after that, watching where he walked and following the others direct path.

 

It was not too much further until they heard shouting.  Sawamura looked over at Kai who only shared a small smile and a smaller shrug as they continued on.  Even Yachi looked mildly worried, sticking close to Sawamura’s side until they came upon a clearing with a small shrine set up.

 

Three younger men were kneeling on the grass with Yaku looming over them, though his ire seemed to be mostly directed at the tallest and lankest of the group.  He was nearly as tall as Yaku when situated on his knees, Sawamura couldn’t imagine how tall he would be fully standing. Though Yaku continued to berate them, something about messing around and not taking their duties seriously enough, Yachi seemed to relax and even sent a hesitant smile when the smallest of the group looked over.

 

“This might take awhile, the shrine should be unoccupied if you want to look around.”  Kai suggested and Sawamura heard Yamamoto stifle a snicker at the first part of Kai’s statement.  Sawamura nodded his thanks, making sure Yachi felt comfortable being left alone before he made his way to the shrine.

 

It was an old thing, most likely forgotten for many years until Kuroo decided it was as good as anyway to train the younger members of his household.  It was small, just a square wooden building raised off the ground with two new looking steps leading up to the open doorway. When Sawamura stepped inside he noticed the new mixing with the old.  They had redone the floors and were clearly working on patching the roof. Greenery had seeped into the shrine, running up the walls.

 

Sawamura had visited grander shrines, ones that sprawled over the land and were painted in vibrant and beautiful colors.  But there was something about this little abandoned one that made something ease within Sawamura’s chest and as kneeled on the ground and carefully placed his offering down.  It was cooler inside the shrine, a bit musky and the air a little heavier but in his borrowed clothes and without his long hair weighing him down, Sawamura felt at peace.

 

Sawamura bowed deeply, pressed his forehead against the new hard floors as he took a deep breath.  He apologized for the state of his offering, promising to practice more and bring something better next time.  If he was allowed a next time that is. But Sawamura shook those thoughts off because this wasn’t about him, this trip had never been about him.

 

Sawamura prayed for the safety of those he loved, those he had left behind.  He pictured each one clearly in his mind, naming them and thinking over the kindness they had bestowed upon him over the years.  Tears burned his eyes and his throat felt small but he continued his prayer, his pleading and begging for their safety.

 

No one had told him who the shrine belonged too and he felt foolish praying to a god he could not name, asking for favors when he hadn’t done the bare minimum research.  But Sawamura continued to pray, bent over with his hands pressed firmly to the floor until a low ache developed in his back.

 

A soft scratching noise broke Sawamura out of his praying.  He had to blink several times to clear his vision of tears that seemed to never want to stop and was surprised to see a rather large black bird peering around the simple kamidama.  Sawamura remained still as the crow took two hops and stopped to tilt its head, looking down at Sawmaura’s spread hand. The crow then stepped Sawamura’s offering, used it’s beak to break off a piece before spreading it’s large wings and flying up.

 

Sawamura sat up slowly as he looked up, noticing for the first time a nest with little chittering baby crows.  Sawamura reached down to break the offering up into smaller pieces. The crow was an emblem of his family and he would take this as a sign that  _ someone _ had heard him.  It was all he could ask for really.

 

After scrubbing his face and hoping it wasn’t too obvious he had been crying, Sawamura made his way out of the shrine.  Kozume had situated himself on the bottom step, coveting the shade the shrine provided without encroaching in on Sawamura’s space.  Nearby Kai was instructing one of the younger men in how to help cook over a small fire with Yachi pulling several items out of a pack.

 

Yachi, noticing Sawamura’s exit, stands up and walks over with her own little bundled offering.  Sawamura thinks he must still show signs of crying because Yachi pauses before him, eyes large and full of concern.  Even Kozume turns and studies Sawamura’s face but remains silent as he turns back around.

 

“There is a crow living up in the ceiling, she seems friendly.”  Sawamura said, partially to warn Yachi incase the crow decided to steal some of her offering as well but mostly to stop Yachi from asking any uncomfortable questions.  Yachi seemed to get the silent message and bowed before jogging up the steps and into the shrine.

 

Sawamura stepped away from the shade, turning his face up towards the sun and enjoying how it warmed up his face and shoulders nicely.  He had never been allowed direct contact with the sun and he found he was strangely addicted to the feeling of it. That feeling would probably change as the days grew warmer, almost unbearable and the sun only made that all the worse but right now, with the light breeze and the sound of the forest around him, Sawamura found himself content.

 

“Sawamura-san, there was no time for introductions earlier.”  Kai spoke up and Sawamura turned to face him.

 

“My name is Inuoka Sou and it is very nice to see you!  I meant- it’s good to see you with my own eyes, for you to be here-” Inuoka continued to try and correct himself as she slowly lowered his body to the ground until he was in a low bow.  Sawamura watched in surprise and some amusement as it happened, even Kai looked momentarily speechless.

 

“Inuoka-kun are you okay?”  Yachi yelled out in clear worry as she came out of the shrine.  “What are you doing?”

 

“Waiting for the ground to open up and save him from this conversation most likely.”  Yaku stated with a twist of his lips that showed he was fighting back a smile. The two other younger man followed behind him, one holding fish and the other loaded down with branches.  “Don’t be rude.” Yaku said to the other men.

 

“Shibayama Yuuki, it is an honor to meet you.”  The shortest of the three said, dipping into a low bow before handing off the fish to Kai who accepted them with a smile.  Shibayama then dropped down to a crouch beside Inuoka, patting his back in a conciliatory way.

 

“ _ You _ were Emperor?”  The third, yet unnamed young man, stepped forward.  He was taller than anyone Sawamura had ever met before, taller yet when he loomed over Sawamura who had never thought of himself as particularly short before until that moment.  “I don’t understand, you don’t look-” Branches went flying as Yaku kicked the silver haired man in the back of the knee.

 

Sawamura took a couple steps to the side to avoid Yaku’s thorough chewing out of the young man.  To be honest Sawamura wasn’t all that insulted, mostly surprised. It was the first time someone hadn’t treated him with the deference his position demanded of them.  It had been surprising and though Sawamura would never admit it outloud, a little satisfying.

 

“Haiba-kun didn’t mean any insult.”  Sawamura turned to Kozume, shocked at the low tone of the other man's voice as he watched Yaku continue to berate the sullen looking young man.  “He has no filter, if he thinks it then he says it but he’s mostly harmless.” The last word looked like it caused Kozume some discomfort to admit and it made Sawamura smile.

 

“I am not insulted.”  Sawamura assured him. Kozume studied Sawamura with a slightly furrowed brow, as if he could tell Sawamura’s worth if he just looked at him long enough.  It should have made Sawamura felt judged but he suspected it wasn’t meant that way. Kozume seemed to be trying to figure Sawamura out, not to suss out weaknesses to use against Sawamura but to truly know who the type of man he was.

 

Sawamura was quite curious to know that also considering he had spent all his life being the person others wanted him to be.  He was an Emperor first and a man last, or at least he had been. Now Sawamura wasn’t sure what he was but he found himself looking forward to finding that out.

  
  
  
  


**Summer**

  
  
  
  


Sawamura isn’t sure what alerted him to another presence in his room.  Perhaps he had only been on the edge of sleep when he heard something shift in the dark space.  He had been genuinely surprised at how often they allowed him to travel up to the shrine. He no longer tripped and ran out of breath after only a bit of walking uphill, the offerings were gradually getting better, and mostly it was just Yachi and him with one escort when they travelled up there.  It still wore Sawamura out, made his body ache in a way he welcomed whole heartedly. Usually he ate dinner quickly when he got back, bathed and then went straight to bed.

 

Usually nothing much more than the morning light on his face woke up him, sometimes not even that and it would be Yachi coming in with his morning meal that forced him out of bed.  Yet the room was decidedly still pitch black, he could hear the low hoot of an owl that nested in a tree near his room, and the distinctive shift of wood underfoot as someone walked over one of the warped boards in his room.

 

Sawamura’s heart was beating hard against his ribcage but he was strangely calm as he continued to lay still, not allowing whoever was sneaking around his room to know he was awake.  Yachi was the only one who came into his room, most others stayed outside and waited for him to step into the hall. But even Yachi would never sneak around his room late at night, even the mere idea would probably cause her to turn bright red and stutter without truly saying anything.

 

Malicious intent was Sawamura’s first thought.  He almost smiled despite his pounding heart and the fact that he was at a clear disadvantage.  It would not have been the first time someone had tried to kill Sawamura, he couldn’t count the times on his fingers and toes together.  It was not even the first time that an assassin had snuck into his own room, though that hadn’t happened since he was a child. Not since Tanaka had practically appointed himself as Sawamura’s personal protector.  He checked Sawamura’s quarters every night, he selected those to guard his door when Tanaka could not do it himself.

 

Sawamura felt the person hover at the edge of his futon, waiting for any signs that Sawamura was awake.  It pulled Sawamura’s attention from the past to the present as he considered what to do. He hadn’t called out because he didn’t want the assassin to rush and attack him, plus Sawamura did not even know who he would call out to.  He had no idea if anyone even guarded his door at night and they were there to guard him from getting out, not for others to get in.

 

A stray thought filtered through Sawamura’s head that perhaps this was all set up to happen this way.  They did not want to martyr Sawamura by killing him themselves but if an assassin snuck in and did the deed then they would get off with clean hands.  If he did call out would anyone even come?

 

Sawamura felt the person shift down and he made the quick decision to roll towards the stranger.  Hot pain slashed at his arm, right where his chest had been only a moment before. Sawamura had surprise on his side but little else so he gathered his legs up underneath him and slammed into the attacker with everything he had.

 

There was a brief struggle that ended up with Sawamura underneath the attacker, his hands came up to defend himself, to try and grab the wrist that was holding the blade aimed for his neck.  He miscalculated and grabbed the blade with one hand, it cut and slid against his palm causing him to cry out as his other hand gripped frantically at his attackers wrist. Sawamura grunted with the effort of keeping the blade from slicing into his neck or any part of him but he was losing ground and quickly.

 

A door sliding open pulls both Sawamura’s and the attackers attention behind them before suddenly the attacker is gone completely.  Sawamura doesn’t really have time to react as he is pulled up and out of the darkened room into the hallway where he is pushed against a wall and guarded from the front by the familiar figure of-   
  


 

“Tanaka-san?”  Sawamura’s voice is a dull rasp even to his own ears and he’s embarrassed when Yamamoto, not Tanaka, turns to glance at him in confusion before facing forward.  Several loud footsteps approach them, pulling Sawamura’s attention down the hall where he’s too- he’s not sure what he’s feeling at the moment, too confused and lightheaded to feel much of anything at the sudden appearance of Kuroo.

 

“My room is the most secure.”  Kuroo states, earning a sharp nod from Yamamoto who firmly pulls Sawamura down the hall.  They are closely followed by Yaku, who has a pistol in his hand and a deadly look in his eye as Kuroo disappears into Sawamura’s room.

 

Sawamura’s room had been on the first floor, he had known Kuroo’s own room was on the second so he had avoided exploring there though he had been curious.  Yamamoto leads the way, stepping into a room while Yaku pulls Sawamura to a stop. He states an all clear before Sawamura and Yaku enter.

 

“How badly are you injured?”  Yaku asked, voice a little biting as he put his pistol away and tugs at Sawamura’s arm.  Sawamura had not realized he had pulled his injured hand to his chest, smearing and dripping blood down his front.  Sawamura winces as Yaku pries Sawamura’s fingers open, he clicks his tongue in a dissatisfied way before he moves to inspect the cut on Sawamura’s bicep.

 

“Is it bad?”  Yamamoto asked as Yaku pushed Sawamura into a chair.

 

“The arm is just a shallow cut but his hand will need stitches.”  Yaku explains as he bunches up some cloth and puts pressure onto the wound on Sawamura’s hand.  “Keep that there.” Yaku instructs before walking out of the room.

 

“Who is Tanaka-san?”  Yamamoto asked, snapping Sawamura out of the fugue state he had been in since the attack.  Sawamura couldn’t tell if Yamamoto was trying to distract Sawamura or he actually cared about the answer, either way Sawamura saw no reason to lie.

 

“He is- was,” Sawamura corrected himself with some difficulty.  “One of my most trusted daimyos. He made himself my personal bodyguard.”  Sawamura smiled with some difficulty at that.

 

“You are not what any of us expected.”  Yamamoto admitted quietly, voice rough and low.  Sawamura looked up at him once more.

 

“Is that a good or bad thing?”  Sawamura asked but all Yamamoto could do was shrug in answer.

 

“I’m not sure.”  Sawamura didn’t blame him for that, he wasn’t positive if it was a good or bad thing either.

 

Yaku came back to stitch and wrap Sawamura’s wounds up, grumbling about how only an idiot would grab a blade with his bare hand the entire time.  Sawamura could only bow his head because he couldn’t exactly argue with that, though it had been dark and Sawamura had been aiming for a wrist or hand.  As the night wore on and news came that the assassin had been dealt with and Sawamura was instructed to sleep in Kuroo’s room for the night, he noticed that other parts of him hurt as well.

 

Sawamura’s legs were sore from the uphill walk to the shrine and the trek back but at some point during the short struggle for his life his back had taken some damage.  There was a newly forming bruise on his left shoulder blade that Yaku said he could do nothing about and Sawamura left it at that. Tea was brought to him by a shaking and nearly crying Yachi, who he assured he was fine though it didn’t help that his clothes had splatters of his own blood on them.

 

Yaku emptied out the room, informing Sawamura that someone would be standing guard and there were many patrolling the grounds that night before he too took his leave.  Sawamura scrubbed the blood off of him, changed into clean clothes Yachi had brought, and finished his calming tea before climbing under the thick blankets on the futon.

 

Sawamura refused to let his mind wander to who had been using the bed prior to the attack, he wouldn’t even let himself look around the room itself.  He told himself he didn’t care but even he could recognize the lie for what it was. The room was much smaller than the one Sawamura had on the first floor though it was more heavily furnished and decorated.

 

“Stop.”  Sawamura whispered to himself, closing his eyes tightly as if that would ward off any further thoughts about the room around him and who it belonged to.  It was bad that the futon smelled of him, that it was soft and comfortable and even though the wound on Sawamura’s hand throbbed in time with his heartbeat he still found himself peacefully drifting off to sleep.

 

The next morning Sawamura’s curiosity is harder to ignore.  Especially when Yachi brings his morning meal and fusses over him.  Sawamura’s mother died giving birth to his twin siblings, his brother had died with her but he had gotten to hold his little sister for a couple weeks before she too passed away.  Part of him believed, hoped, that maybe this was the gods way of giving him a bit of his family back. That perhaps Yachi held a little piece of his sister in her.

 

So when Yachi started to peer around the room with obvious interest Sawamura found it impossible to scold her.  Neither of them would go through chests or drawers but there was plenty of things kept out in the open.

 

“I have never even left Edo, until we came here.”  Yachi said after Sawamura explained that the spoon-looking object on a square piece of metal was a chinese magnetic compass.  “Do you think those are all the places he has been?” Sawamura looked up to the hand painted. It was a thing of beauty which made the splotches of ink on it all the more interesting.

 

“I know he travelled quite a bit.”  Sawamura answered. The ink spots stuck mostly to the coast of the large landmasses.  If they were truly the places Kuroo had visited then he had gone a lot further than Sawamura had even guessed.

 

The next wall was covered by what looked like torn out pieces from various journals.  Sawamura recognized a handful of languages but even more were a mystery to them. There were drawings of plantlife and various animals, some Sawamura could not even name though he did name the few he could.

 

Sawamura was still busy studying the various writings and drawings when he heard Yachi small gasp behind him.  He turned to see what she had found and found himself freezing at what was framed up on the wall. Seeing one of Sawamura’s own drawings up on the wall was one of the last things he expected to see and with some morbid fascination he cautiously stepped closer to Yachi to see her reaction.

 

“It’s unfinished.”  Was the first thing Yachi said, clasping her hands infront of her and tucking them under her chin.  “But it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Sawamura turned back to the piece he had been working on that was supposed to represent Kuroo and Sawamura, their first meeting up until the day everything had come apart for them.  Next to all the wonders found around the world, the glittering metals and different pieces of art Sawamura thought his own looked rather plain. There was only black ink on the long piece of parchment, some of the brush strokes were stilted and the little drawings were simplistic things that required no real skill.

 

It had been on Sawamura’s table in his room, back in Edo.  Sawamura guessed that it had been the first place Kuroo had checked for Sawamura but why take it?  There were creases in it from where Kuroo had most likely folded it quickly, but it was carefully spread out and framed on the wall.  Was it some sort of prideful thing? A reminder that Kuroo had tricked and bedded the former Emperor?

 

Sawamura instantly dismissed those ugly thoughts.  As poorly as he had thought of Kuroo when he had realized what had happened he knew that wasn’t in Kuroo’s character.  Nothing in Kuroo’s private bedchamber was meant as warped trophies or conquests, many were small seemingly insignificant things that Kuroo had found interest or beauty in.

 

Before Sawamura could put anymore thought into that they heard approaching footsteps.  Sawamura and Yachi sat back down at the low table so Sawamura could eat the rest of his morning meal with Yachi poured him tea.  The door slid open a moment later and Sawamura felt a swooping sensation in his stomach as Kuroo walked in.

 

Kuroo looked much the same as the last time Sawamura had gotten a good look at him.  Still tall and lanky, wearing the outdated hitatare that Sawamura thought suited him very well.  Perhaps a bit too well if Sawamura were being honest. His inky black hair was a disaster as always, pulled back haphazardly with a piece of cloth.  His skin was several shades deeper, he had been doing a lot of travelling since winter had released its icy clutches on the countryside. There were the beginning of dark circles underneath his gray eyes, which meant he had most likely not slept at all last night.

 

Kuroo looked well and Sawamura was surprised by how little that bothered him.  He thought he might carry some old pettiness, wishing Kuroo had gone fat and bald but he was glad to see that Kuroo continued to take care of himself.  The more time Sawamura spent out in the countryside, in Kuroo’s own estate meant that he was privy to how much other people depended on Kuroo.

 

“Pardon the intrusion.”  Kai spoke up from behind Kuroo, nudging him out of the way so him, Yaku, and a quiet Kozume could walk into the room also.

 

“Would you like some tea?”  Yachi offered.

 

“Please.”  Kai sat next to Sawamura, reaching out for the cup Yachi had filled.  Yaku sat across the table while Kozume settled at the far end. Kuroo stood for a long moment, until Yaku cleared his throat purposefully and then Kuroo took a seat across from Sawamura.

 

“I’ll go make some snacks.”  Yachi said, helpfully dismissing herself before she walked out of the room.  Sawamura looked up from his tea to see Kuroo still staring. Sawamura rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit he thought he had broken himself of a long time ago but that’s when he realized it.  Kuroo might not have changed but Sawamura had, and part of their deal was that Kuroo would make himself scarce around Sawamura. He might have caught glimpses but it was different from seeing it up close.

 

“Sawamura-san may I see your hand?”  Yaku asked, breaking Sawamura and Kuroo’s focus on each other.  Sawamura felt his face warm but he obligingly laid his hand on the table, palm up so Yaku could easily reach it.  Kuroo’s eyes focused intensely on that bandaged hand, watching as Yaku pulled up an edge of the cloth before he began unwinding it.  “I made a salve to help stave off infection but I’ve been told it stings.” Yaku gave Sawamura a clear look that meant he did not care how badly it hurt, the salve was going on it.  Sawamura meekly submitted, trying not to grin because Yaku was already angry with him.

 

“We’re sorry that it managed to get this far.”  Kai stated and Sawamura took a long moment to figure out what he was talking about and nearly scoffed when it came to him.  “We know relocating is difficult but we will have to do it again.” Sawamura’s words and amusement stuck in his throat at that.  He hadn’t realized how attached he had grown to this place, to the beautiful ginkgo trees and the little no-longer abandoned shrine halfway up the mountain.  But he swallowed down those feelings.

 

The salve burned going on over a cut that looked more vicious in the light of day.  It did not hurt nearly as much as the blade cutting through skin and muscle, just like this move would not hurt as much as being forced out of Edo.  He would survive, he didn’t have any other choice.

 

“Upstairs.”  Kuroo spoke up, seemingly shocking all of them for Yaku’s hand tightened on Sawamura’s for a quick moment before shooting Kuroo a scathing look.  “We will have to move your room upstairs, it’s more easily defended and guarded. We are guessing the assassin came in through the door connected to the outside then hid there until you went to bed.”  Sawamura blinked several times as it all processed.

 

“We are not moving from this house?”  Sawamura asked, just to be clear. Kuroo gave a small, hesitant smile that twisted at something inside Sawamura.  Anger and hurt were still rolling around inside of him so he didn’t let himself linger too long on other feelings.

 

“No, you’re staying here.”  Kuroo answered and Sawamura gave a small nod before concentrating on the way Yaku wrapped his hand.

 

“Yaku-san, would you mind showing me how to make that salve?”  Sawamura asked partially because he was curious and tired of being useless and less informed than those around him but mostly to take the focus off of Kuroo and himself.  Yaku looked surprise before giving a one armed shrug.

 

“I don’t see why not.”  Yaku’s grin was a bit fierce.  “I’m not a very nice or easy teacher.”  Sawamura laughed at this as he took back his newly bandaged hand.  Considering his previous tutors had been the likes of the Ukai family he thought he would fare just fine.

 

“About the assassin, we are sorry-” Sawamura shook his head, cutting off Kai’s apologies even though he knew it was rude.

 

“30, that’s the amount of attempts on my life before I stopped counting when I was seventeen.”  Sawamura wiggled the fingers of his injured arms experimentally. It pulled and hurt, the healing process would probably be a long one but all things considered it was not nearly as bad as it could be.  “I wouldn’t let them interfer any further with my life beforehand and I intend to continue on with that.”

 

Before anyone could say anything to that Yachi walked in with a tray of various food that smelled delicious despite the fact that Sawamura had just finished his morning meal.  He had felt Kozume’s eyes on him throughout the majority of the talk and wasn’t surprised when the quiet man slipped out as Yachi distracted them all with food.

 

It does not take long to carry his things into his new room on the second floor, there were that many items to begin with.  But it is several days later that Sawamura finally runs into Kuroo in the hall, despite his room being next to Kuroo’s study.

 

“I am sorry.”  Kuroo apologizes quickly.  He had a packed bag in his hand and Yamamoto had told Sawamura earlier that half the house would be leaving for the city again, though there had been a long discussion on whether or not that was safe now.  Sawamura waves the apology off and is about to head to his room before turning back.

 

“Kuroo-san?”  Kuroo looks surprised at being addressed but he stands up from his slightly slouched standing position and gives Sawamura his full attention.  “I want to thank you for abiding by my earlier demands in the winter but it seems unnecessary now.” Sawamura resists the urge to flinch at his own formality but it was his defense against showing unwanted emotions and had never failed him before.

 

“Oh?”  Kuroo breaths out the question, face showing confusion and a little alarm.

 

“I needed time and space to adjust,” It had hurt to see Kuroo, to have the other man purposefully seek him out.  It had felt like Kuroo was putting his own feelings above Sawamura’s, wanting absolution so desperately that he did not see how much it was hurting Sawamura.  There was still the familiar twist of pain in Sawamura’s chest everytime he caught sight of Kuroo, heard his voice or caught his eye but Sawamura had never run away from a problem before and he was not about to start now.  “Your quarters are next to mine and this is your house, your people. You should be able to go where you want.”

 

“Are you positive?”  Kuroo asked, switching his pack from one hand to the other in a gesture born of nerves more than discomfort.

 

“I am fine now.”  Sawamura smiles, it feels a little tight on his face and he feels guilty about lying.  He had never lied to Kuroo before but he allowed the small slip. He had every intention of moving past this, of not allowing it to continue to affect his future.  He wasn’t fine right then, even looking up into Kuroo’s gray eyes and having the knowledge of the way the other man fit against him, of laughed pressed against skin, and how much this man knew about him hurt Sawamura in unimaginable ways.

 

Kuroo studied Sawamura’s face and Sawamura could not help but wonder what he saw there.  Was the smile hiding up the lie he had just told or the pain behind it? If Kuroo saw anything Sawamura did not want him to see, he didn’t say anything about it so Sawamura continued on.

 

“There is-” Sawamura cleared his throat, forced himself to be strong for whatever answer came next.  “There is just one thing I want to know. My people, are they still alive?” The ones that Kuroo had so carefully listed in his journal as those who could never be swayed to betray Sawamura.  Kuroo’s eyebrows rose, one disappearing in long black bangs.

 

“Of course.”  Kuroo said quickly, perhaps too quickly.  Sawamura was not good at reading people and Kuroo had already proven himself to be a better liar than most.  If it kept Sawamura calm and cooperative than Kuroo would lie to Sawamura about the deaths of a few people. For what use would the new regime have for people who showed loyalty to the old Emperor?

 

“Have a safe trip.”  Sawamura said quickly, voice lower than it had been a second ago.  He bowed his head before Kuroo could respond and walked off to his room, sliding the door shut firmly behind him.

 

More time passed as the days slowly grew longer and warmer, almost stifling so but Sawamura still found himself enjoying it.  He spent time with Yaku, who was also teaching young Shibayama about various medical practices. Sawamura was fascinated with the different types of herbs and plant life that were more than just good seasoning or pretty to look at.  When he wasn’t being taught by Yaku, Sawamura spent a good amount of time in the kitchen with Yachi and Fukunaga, who was even quieter than Kozume with none of the anxious energy surrounding him.

 

In the aftermath of the attack it was dangerous to wanger so far from the house so the treks to the shrine became limited, though Sawamura did notice the others make the effort to make sure he was allowed the walk up the mountain at least once a month.  It brewed a warmth inside Sawamura’s chest towards these people, a warmth he thought would never return after he left behind everyone he knew and loved in Edo.

 

Sawamura found enjoyment in relaxing in the shade provided by the tall estate while the older members of the household trained the younger ones.  Haiba was the loudest complainer and quick to call it quits when things became too difficult, but Sawamura could see the potential the others saw in him.  How impossibly fast he was and how good his instincts were when his own long limbs weren’t tripping him up. Shibayama and Inuoka tended to be eager to comply to whatever was asked of them, working themselves into exhaustion more often than not unless someone stopped them.  Sawamura had worried their over enthusiastic approach would scare off Yachi but it seemed to have the opposite effect, making her come out of her shell even more. Though she was still wary of Haiba which Sawamura did not fault her for.

 

Currently Kai was teaching them archery.  Inuoka had innate talent with it but both Haiba and Shibayama were struggling.  It was clear that while Haiba was tall he had built up no real muscle and he found it difficult to pull back the taut string, more often than not his arrow shot straight into the ground a couple steps away from him.  Shibayama had a bit more control but his aim was horrid.

 

Kuroo had arrived back from the capital just that morning, he looked tired and in the need of a shower but he stood back and watched the training.  He handed out advice less often than Kai, who was clearly the marksmen of anyone in the castle though Yamamoto was not too bad himself.

 

“Have you joined them?”  Yachi asked as she took a seat beside Sawamura.  They weren’t so far away that the question couldn’t be heard and Haiba jumped on the chance to slack off.

 

“You know how to shoot and arrow?”  Haiba asked in his usual blunt way. Sawamura fought down a grin he knew wouldn’t be all that friendly.  He knew he hadn’t given any of them much confidence in his abilities to do anything but sit on a throne in a ridiculously elaborate costume but Sawamura was good at archery.  Some might even say he was quite skilled, which he guessed he should be. He’s been practicing since he could hold a bow.

 

“What have I told you about being rude?”  Yamamoto scolded the younger man but even he looked curious.

 

“Would you like to try Sawamura-san?”  Inuoka asked, always eager to please as he held out his own bow.  Sawamura wiped his sweaty palms against his thighs as he stood up, thinking back to the last time he had held a bow.  It had been nearly a year, before Kuroo and his convey had shown up at the palace. There had been a small competition.  Sawamura hadn’t participated, he knew that wouldn’t be fun for anyone else involved because they would be forced to lose, but he had still been able to hit a couple targets that day.

 

Sawamura took the yumi with a smile, fingers trailing over the smooth wood and the hemp string as he took his place.  Inuoka’s yumi is different from the one Sawamura had grown used to but Ukai had made him practice with all different kinds of bows so after a brief adjustment he found his stance and notched the offered arrow, taking a deep, steadying breath as he sighted the target.

 

The arrow flew and Sawamura felt the familiar tug of his lips, wanting to smile in satisfaction that he could still do this even if he was bad at hiking and cooking.  The wound on his hand pulled uncomfortably but it was easily ignored.

 

“Move the target further back.”  Kuroo instructed Shibayama and Inuoka, who took off quickly to shift the target back several feet.  Sawamura turned to look at Kuroo, his eyes appearing lighter in the harsh sunlight. “The distance was set up for training.”  Which meant anyone other than a novice archer could hit it. It was a clear challenge and Sawamura found himself bristling at it as he took another arrow.

 

Kuroo had them move the target back several times, moving it to far sides and even bringing out a much smaller one for Sawamura to hit.  Sweat gathered at Sawamura’s hairline and down the length of his back as he continued to shoot arrow after arrow, never missing the target.  He found himself thankful once more for his short hair, easier to keep clean and it never blocked his vision.

 

“That’s enough for today, dinner will be served soon.”  Everyone cheered at that as Kuroo instructed the younger ones to clean up the area.  Sawamura offered to help, most of the arrows were his after all, but no one would let him.  “How is your hand?” Kuroo made an aborted move to grab Sawamura’s hand but must have thought better of it.  Sawamura stretched his fingers and knew both hands would be sore in the morning.

 

“It’s healing nicely.”  Sawamura said with a smile even though they both knew that wasn’t what Kuroo had meant.  The pain was lesser than it was when he first got it, which was to be expected. Just like being in Kuroo’s presence, seeing him smile down at Sawamura as they both walked into the house, did not hurt as much as it once had.

  
  
  
  


**Fall**

  
  
  
  


An arm came around Sawamura’s waist, pulling him back just as a man wearing stilts and blowing fire into the air stepped through the crowd.  Sawamura, along with a good majority of the people milling about, laughed and clapped as he passed by. Sawamura looked up at Kuroo, who had pulled him out of the way because there was far too much to see and smell and touch to pay attention to things like fire breathing men on stilts.

 

Kuroo’s grin was a bit smug, but it was genuine and warm.  Sawamura allowed him that smugness, too caught up in the chaotic atmosphere and all the sounds and sights around him to wipe it off his face.  Plus Kuroo had a right to be smug, though Sawamura had hesitated when Kuroo invited him along Sawamura was enjoying what Kuroo called a world fare in the port town of Osaka.

 

Different ships of all shapes and sizes crowded into the port city.   Some of the ships were monstrous looking things, made of metal and Sawamura found him fascinated on how they did not sink to the bottom of the ocean.  Kuroo had pointed out a Danish frigate that was long and almost delicate looking with its tall thing masts.

 

The ships were only the beginning of Sawamura’s discovers that day.  Sawamura remembered coming to Osaka once when he was quite young, stuck most of the time indoors or in a palanquin.  Nothing like he was experiencing now, the press of bodies and how different everything was. There were the familiar tongues Sawamura could recognize, a handful of languages that he had studied his entire life brought to life by native speakers who had accents and used the words and phrases in ways he hadn’t been taught.

 

Sawamura could not even pretend disinterest in all the vendors, though he couldn’t help his eyes and stomach from focusing on all the different foods.  He tried spring rolls, biscotti, dumplings, and stir-fry. Breads, meats, cheeses, and things Sawamura could not even name from around the world.

 

“This way,” Kuroo’s lips brushed against Sawamura’s ear but he allowed that closeness because it was overly crowded and he could not deny that he was enjoying himself.  His anger and bitterness and hurt were no match for the various music and shouts from around him, for the soft fabrics presented to him and little trinkets laid out in every stall.

 

Kuroo led him along, Kai, Yaku, and Yamamoto following close behind.  Kozume and Fukunaga had volunteered to stay back at the house, Kozume making a complicated but overtly disgusted face when Kuroo asked if he wanted to come along with a grin that only spoke of trouble.  Now Sawamura could understand why. For a man who enjoyed his space and quiet, this would be pure torture for him. Sawamura was glad that Kuroo had gently insisted that Yachi stay back as well, he couldn’t imagine her in this type of crowd.

 

“Kuroo-san?”  Sawamura asked but his voice was lost in the crowd.  He repeated himself twice more, gaining volume until Kuroo looked down.  Kuroo leaned towards Sawamura, giving him his ear. “Would it be alright if we picked up something for Yachi-chan?  Something small, maybe a hair accessory?” Sawamura had no money of his own and he felt it was inappropriate to ask Kuroo for anything but Kuroo had told him at the beginning if he saw anything he wanted just to ask for it.  Sawamura had silently told himself that he would not ask Kuroo for anything but he bent that rule for Yachi, who had been kind and loyal without asking for anything in return.

 

“We’ll find something perfect for her.”  Kuroo promised instantly, easily. Sawamura’s heart pounded a little faster in his chest at Kuroo’s warm smile, at the way his fingers brushed against Sawamura’s side as he directed him through the crowd.

 

It was easy for Sawamura to distract himself from those small touches and gentle looks, to push any emotions they welled up inside himself as Kuroo pulled him to another part of the fare.  This section seemed to be stocked with animals and Sawamura couldn’t help the small noise of appreciation that escaped him at the sight of them.

 

There were all sorts of birds and several monkeys, Sawamura cooed and pet the dogs they saw on the way.  But it was a small group of horses that caught Sawamura’s attention. He leaned against the pen and watched them graze with awe.  They were like nothing he had ever seen before. One approached him, most likely to see if he had any food he was willing to share.  He was big and strong looking but the coloring was what caught Sawamura’s eye. His head and long neck were a dark gray, nearly black but it was as if the rest of his body had lost its coloring.  It was white but looked as if someone had flicked black paint all over him. He nosed at Sawamura’s hands, chewed on his sleeve and allowed Sawamura to pet his velvety cheek.

 

“He says they are called Appaloosa.”  Kuroo struggled over the foreign word.  Sawamura mouthed it silently as he continued to pet the big horse.

 

“He’s beautiful.”  Sawamura said truthfully.  The man leaning near the horses spoke to Kuroo.  It sounded like English but his accent was thick so Sawamura could only understand a word here or there.

 

There was more to experience and see and eat after that.  The others had been full of tension when they first arrived, practically standing on top of Sawamura wherever they went.  As the day came to a close and the sky began to darken they relaxed more. Kuroo continued to stay close, his hand seemed to be constantly touching Sawamura’s wrist, grazing the small of Sawamura’s back, or poking his side.  The others drifted off eventually, enjoying themselves when they realized that no one truly recognized the former Emperor and having a team of guards was not necessary.

 

They came back for the fireworks that were lit up the sky over the water.  That seemed to be the signal that the day was officially over, everyone closing down for the night and more than ready to get to bed.  All of them piled into one room. They slept directly on the tatami mats with thin blankets, which was all they really needed considering how warm it was.  A drastic difference from how cool the nights were getting in the countryside.

 

“We will be leaving soon after this, sorry you could not stay longer.”  Kai sounded genuinely apologetic, which surprised Sawamura. Before he could respond to that Kuroo walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  They were all eating an early and light evening meal before they were to travel back to the countryside.

 

After three days spent in Osaka Sawamura was surprised at how much he looked forward to going back home.  To Kuroo’s estate that is. He enjoyed his time in Osaka immensely, he was able to try so many good, and some not so good, food.  He was able to talk to other people as just a normal civilian, not as the Emperor. Sawamura was bound to remember this time as some of the best days he has ever had, but he was ready to head back.

 

“Sawamura-san could you follow me please?”  Kuroo asked and Sawamura instantly stood up from the low table to follow Kuroo back to their shared room.

 

Another thing that surprised Sawamura after just a couple days was his feelings towards Kuroo.  He hadn’t forgotten what Kuroo had done to him, the pain was still there and Sawamura wasn’t sure it would ever truly fade away but the anger was nearly gone, the bitterness and disappointment felt like they were holding on by the smallest amount.  Now that he had some distance from what happened he did not feel as foolish as he had before because he could see why he had fallen so hard for Kuroo, why he found it so easy to trust the other man.

 

Sawamura now believed that what Kuroo felt, the things he shared and told Sawamura were not all a lie.  It didn’t lessen the betrayal, but Sawamura could understand it better now that he wasn’t clogged up with anger and bitterness over the situation.

 

Kuroo was a kind hearted individual, he cared deeply for those around him.  Sawamura could see that with every interaction Kuroo had with another person, whether they were close to him or a stranger.  It made understanding his actions even more difficult for Sawamura because why would he continue on the farce of a relationship with Sawamura when he knew the outcome would only lead to pain for him?  Sawamura had a feeling that if he asked the other man he would tell him the truth, but he was not quite ready for that discussion. To dredge up the past when it had not even been a year yet.

 

Sawamura stepped into their room, felt surprise when someone was already standing in the middle of it.  They were wearing a soft yellow summer yukata but it was the familiar gray hair that really caught Sawamura’s attention.  The person turned at their arrival and Sawamura caught sight of light hazel eyes and a small mole beneath his left eye.

 

“Suga-kun?”  Sawamura questioned, slipping into the old childhood nickname he hadn’t called Sugawara in years.  All the hikes up the mountain allowed Sawamura to keep his feet as Sugawara launched himself at Sawamura, arms coming around his shoulders in a tight embrace.  Sawamura saw Kuroo close the door behind him, giving the two privacy.

 

“Oh!”  Sugawara stepped back, face a bit pink.  “I am so sorry-” But Sawamura wouldn’t let him finish, pulling him back into a hug that might have been just a little too tight.  Sugawara let out a noise of surprise but he quickly returned the embrace. Sawamura could feel something wet against his neck where his own yukata had exposed the skin there, but he didn’t fault Sugawara for crying.  He could feel the unfamiliar sting in his own eyes.

 

“You’re alive.”  Sawamura found himself saying, causing Sugawara to take a step back and rub at his face.

 

“So are you, we- we all feared the worst.”  Sugawara’s voice went quiet at the end, his eyes searching Sawamura’s face for a long moment before he reached out to touch the short strands of Sawamura’s hair.

 

“I did that myself.”  Sawamura quickly admitted.  He had spent so much time worrying and fearing over everyone back in Edo he hadn’t thought they might be doing the same for him.  Until that moment he hadn’t realized he had been mourning their deaths for a while now. “Everyone else? Azumane-san? Michimiya-san and Tanaka-san?”  Sawamura stumbled over the last name.

 

“Everyone is alive and doing well, even Tanaka-kun.”  Sugawara smiled through his tears. “He shaved off all his hair too, you two must still be connected in some way.”  He poked Sawamura between the eyes, causing Sawamura to let out a surprised laugh.

 

“I went willingly because they promised no harm would come to any of you but I-” Sawamura rubbed at his chest, where there had been a persistent ache for months now.

 

Sugawara sensed, as he always did, what Sawamura needed without him having to state it outloud.  He carefully listed off everyone Sawamura had been worried about, explaining where they were and what they were doing.  Azumane was not allowed to come to Osaka because despite him being Sawamura’s servant because of his general size he was thought to be more of a threat.  Sawamura was surprised when he found out how hard Kuroo had fought to allow this to happen.

 

“I think they fear you starting an uprising.”  Sugawara’s tone was bland, showing how he felt about that.  Sawamura would not do anything to risk any of their lives but the new people in charge could not seem to understand that.  “Just a couple months ago several of the old daimyos tried to fight back. It was put down quickly and they were executed.”  Sugawara assured Sawamura that the Ukai’s and Tanaka’s had not been apart of it.

 

Kuroo came in soon after that, he looked apologetic as he told them that it was time to go.  Sugawara’s hands had grasped Sawamura’s arm, looking like he was about to argue but Sawamura cut him off by embracing him once more.  The hug was tight, almost uncomfortably so and when they pulled apart both of their eyes were suspiciously glossy.

 

“Please take care of yourself.”  Sawamura requested, probably the first request he had ever asked of Sugawara.

 

“The same goes for you.”  Sugawara said before shooting a very pointed look at Kuroo.  Sawamura felt his face warm. He had partially known that Sugawara must have known about the relationship between himself and Kuroo but finding out that he definitely did embarrassed Sawamura.

 

Sawamura followed Kuroo in silence as they met up with the rest of the group.  His head felt far too full to speak, he had no idea what to say to any of them.  What if it was something that Kuroo did on his own without the others knowing? He did not want to start any conflict, not that he believed they would start arguing right there on the street.  But it also made Sawamura start to consider how much Kuroo had done for him. Sawamura was the former Emperor, he was supposed to spend the rest of his days in isolation out in the secluded countryside.  But here he was in Osaka and meeting with a servant from when he was Emperor.

 

Sawamura was knocked out of his own inner musings when they reached their horses and he saw a familiar one.  The appaloosa stuck out from the other brown horses they had ridden to Osaka on.

 

“He’s yours.”  Kuroo stated with a smile, longer fingers coming out to rub down the horses long face.  “The man who sold him to me said he has a good temper but if you don’t mind I’d prefer you ride the horse you came in on.  I also got you a western-style saddle if you want to try that out.” Gray eyes looked over at Sawamura and he saw hesitancy there.  Sawamura had always thought everything Kuroo did was with confidence but he could see the downward angle of his head, the tightening of his shoulders, a grin gone stiff around the edges.

 

“Why would you do this?”  Sawamura asked, genuinely confused as he ran a hand down the horses long neck.

 

“I did not know that you liked to ride until we came here.”  Kuroo said, which wasn’t really an answer to Sawamura’s question.  Sawamura felt that Kuroo wasn’t done yet so he stayed quiet as the rest of their party prepared to leave.  “But I did not know you enjoyed archery so much either or hiking, cooking or medicine.”

 

“Kuroo-san.”  Sawamura said his name quietly, with just a hint of disapproval because the other man was avoiding answering the question.  Sawamura needed to know if the horse, if this entire trip was meant as apart of a bigger plan. Did they need Sawamura to do something and Kuroo thought bribing him was the way to go about doing it?

 

“I know you have no reason to trust me but I just want you to be happy.”  Kuroo’s voice was so quiet Sawamura had to lean closer to hear him. Sawamura stood stockstill when the words fully processed but he was unable to say anything because Yamamoto was loudly asking if they were ready to go yet.  All the others had already mounted their horses.

 

Luckily Sawamura had a long trip back to Kuroo’s estate to think things through.  A part of him, a small ugly part that he did not like to admit even existed in him, told him it was all a lie.  Another ruse to get close to him but Sawamura could easily brush those worries off. For what purpose would Kuroo need to get close to him in that way again?  Sawamura was given many freedoms and he was well taken care of but he was still a prisoner to these men. Kuroo knew from only knowing Sawamura a few short days that the way to get him to do what they wanted was to promise the safety of Sawamura’s people.  

 

So what was the purpose of all this kindness?  Of bringing Sawamura to Osaka in the first place?  Of allowing him to see and speak with Sugawara once more?  Of buying him a horse because Sawamura loved to ride and he had thought the gray and white horse was beautiful?

 

There was an answer that Sawamura’s mind kept shying away from.  He wasn’t ready to admit what all the signs were pointing to because he was still hurting over the betrayal.  But that did not mean that Sawamura felt indifferent to Kuroo or his actions, much the opposite really.

 

Sawamura took the seven day journey back to the country estate to carefully think and plan things through.  He wished he had someone to talk things over with, to run ideas by. Someone that wasn’t involved with the situation but all he had was himself and that would just have to do.

 

Sawamura did enjoy all the stories the other men willingly told him about each other, but mostly they just liked to tell every embarrassing story they knew about Kuroo from their years of friendship.  Sawamura found himself laughing more often than not, a smile still on his face as they laid down to sleep. He enjoyed sleeping out beneath the stars and trees more than he ever thought he would.

 

When they arrived back at the house Sawamura took the time to bath properly before recounting almost every single moment to an enraptured Yachi.  Yachi did start crying when Sawamura told her of seeing and speaking to Sugawara, she also looked immensely relieved that everyone seemed to be doing okay.  Just when she had dried her tears Sawamura handed over a pretty little hairclip and the crying started all over again.

 

Sawamura thought he had stalled enough, given himself enough time and knocked on the door to Kuroo’s study.  He had been informed that Kuroo and the others were set to leave once more for the city early the next morning and Sawamura did not want to put off what he had to say until Kuroo came back.

 

“Enter.”  Kuroo’s slightly raspy voice called out.  Sawamura slid the door open and walked in, almost smiling when he saw the surprise register on Kuroo’s face.  Clearly Kuroo hadn’t been expecting Sawamura to seek him out. Then Kuroo shot a quick, nearly panicked look to something on his desk.

 

“Those are my mothers paintings.”  Sawamura said in shock after he had stepped closer to the desk.  There were only two but they were very clearly the ones Sawamura had hung up in his old bedroom in Edo.  “How did you- where-” Sawamura couldn’t seem to get the words out as he finally looked up to Kuroo, who looked away guiltily.

 

“That night, I went to your quarters first.  I didn’t have much time so I only managed to grab two of them.”  Two of his mother's paintings plus the one on the table Sawamura had been working on, though Kuroo did not mention the last one.

 

“Why?”  Sawamura asked because he couldn’t think of a single reason anyone besides himself would want them.  They weren’t worth anything, they wouldn’t sell for anything, his mother hadn’t even signed any of them.

 

“Because you told me they were the only things you had from here.”  Kuroo said, as if it was obvious. Sawamura felt as if there was a sudden pressure against his chest, an emotion he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, name.  He had mentioned that only once, an off hand comment shared in the dark of night.

 

“You’ve had them this whole time?”  Sawamura asked, not accusing but merely curious.  Kuroo still looked guilty.

 

“I planned on giving them to you, I never meant to keep them myself but I couldn’t figure out how to, especially after you-” Kuroo cut himself off, running a hand through his hair and wincing as his fingers caught on the knots there.  “I didn’t want you to think that me giving these to you came with a price. I was thinking of giving them to you today actually and saying Sugawara-san saved them.”

 

“You were going to lie?”  Sawamura asked dryly but there was no anger in his tone.

 

“Yes I dismissed the idea as soon as I thought of it.”  Kuroo touched an edge of the top painting. They were creased and one of them had suffered a rip.  Kuroo had most likely grabbed them in a hurry, folded and shoved them into his jacket. “I was going to frame them and leave them outside your room before I left.”

 

“Conveniently avoiding any conflict.”  Sawamura snorted when Kuroo gave a helpless shrug.  “Kuroo-san, thank you.” Kuroo looked up so quickly something cracked and both of them winced at the sound.  “Not just for thinking of grabbing my mother's drawings but everything you’ve done to make me as comfortable as possible.  I told you before that I don’t blame you for your loyalty to another, ultimately you were doing what you believed was best for this country and the people who inhabit it.  I can’t fault that.”

 

“I don’t do these things to make the people of Japan happy.”  Kuroo said, eyes dark and intense as he looked at Sawamura. “These are not meant as bribes for forgiveness or blackmail to use to get you to do something in the future.  I know nothing I can do will make up for what I broke between us, but I do hope you can find some happiness here.” Sawamura took a deep breath before taking a step back. His heart was aching but he was no longer sure that it ached in pain any longer.

 

“Have a safe journey.”  Sawamura said instead of the other hundred things buzzing around in his head.  Kuroo gave a deep bow before Sawamura turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

  
  
  
  


**Winter**

  
  
  
  


“Sawamura-san!”  Yachi jumped beside Sawamura, nearly spilling the ingredients they were mixing in a bowl as two young men came hurtling into the kitchen.  Sawamura turned around and held up his hand to silence both of their unintelligible babbling.

 

“One at a time.”  Sawamura instructed Inuoka to go first, watching as the young man stood up straight.

 

“Yaku-san and Shibayama-kun went to town to assist some of the villagers there, Kai-san and Kozume-san travelled to the city and won’t be back for weeks yet, and Yamamoto-san and Fukunaga-san went out hunting!”  Inuoka stated all in one breath, which Sawamura already knew. He got the impression that Inuoka and Haiba both thought of him as the authority figure in the house if the others weren’t present.

 

“Kuroo-san is dying!”  Haiba shouted, earning a long, whining noise from Yachi.  Sawamura put a steadying hand on Yachi’s shoulder before looking at both men.  Haiba was known from his overdramatics but while Inuoka was enthusiastic, he was usually more level headed.

 

“He said he just had a headache this morning but he hasn’t eaten and he won’t wake up.”  Inuoka said. Sawamura took a deep breath before walking quickly up the stairs to Kuroo’s room.  Part of him wanted to run but he didn’t want to panic the others more than they already were. 

 

Kuroo’s room was dark and smelled faintly of musk and sick.  The man in question was spread out on his futon, still in his sleep clothes that stuck to his sweaty body.  Sawamura knelt down, pressing the back of his hand against Kuroo’s forehead. He was burning up and tried to move away instinctively from Sawamura’s warm hand.  Despite how warm he was and how much he was sweating his teeth were clicking together as if he were cold. Sawamura took another deep, calming breath before he turned back to the others, who were all watching him with trepidation on their faces.

 

“Yachi-kun I need you to make a bath, both of you help her fill the tub.  The water should be warm but not hot.” Sawamura stood up. “I’ll grab some things from Yaku-san’s room that will help reduce his fever.”  With a clear job to do they seemed to gain control of themselves and quickly set off to complete their orders.

 

Sawamura had Yachi brew tea while the two young men helped Sawamura undress Kuroo and get him into the bath.  He grumbled and woke, eyes unable to focus and his grip was weak where he held onto Sawamura’s arm, still shivering even in the warm water.  They dried him off afterwards and Sawamura instructed them to put Kuroo on Sawamura’s futon in his room, since Kuroo had soaked through his own futon.  Yachi provided the tea and a bowl full of water to soak a cloth in before placing it on Kuroo’s forehead.

 

There were no wounds that Sawamura could find, so he could rule out infection.  He listened to Yaku’s voice inside his head, instructing him on what to check for and how to treat it.  He pressed an ear against Kuroo’s chest, ordering quiet as he listened to the too-fast heartbeat and Kuroo’s lungs.  His breathing was a bit labored but it didn’t sound as if there were liquid in his lungs, which Sawamura was eternally thankful for.

 

Kuroo woke a few times, confused until Sawamura talked to him in soft, soothing tones.  Sawamura tried not to think of his own mother as she fell ill during the birth of the twins.  It was a completely different situation, Sawamura knew that. His mother had been ill for months before the birth, weakened to the point where she couldn’t even get out of bed.  Kuroo had been walking around just the day prior, he had looked tired and worn out but he had been travelling a lot.

 

“Please fight.”  Sawamura whispered as he used the damp cloth to wipe at Kuroo’s face.  He slept next to the futon, waking regularly when he felt Kuroo start shifting in discomfort.  Inuoka and Haiba helped wipe the sweat from Kuroo’s body to keep him dry. Yamamoto and Fukunaga came back later that night but neither could do anything more than what Sawamura had been taught.  Though Fukunaga did made a light soup that they managed to get a couple spoonfuls into Kuroo.

 

Two days later Sawamura woke to sunlight in his eyes and something touching his cheek.  He assumed it was a bug and reached up to grab it only to realize it was much bigger than a bug.  He opened his eyes as he realized he hand he had caught, watched Kuroo pull his hand back a little guiltily.

 

Sawamura was not usually the type to wake up slowly, he mostly woke up all at once and within a couple breaths he was good to go.  But he had been sleeping irregularly the past couple days so it took him a moment or two to realize that the gray eyes he was staring into weren’t clouded and unfocused with illness.  They were red and bit glossy but they were clear and looking at Sawamura as if waiting for a reaction.

 

Sawamura sprung up, causing Kuroo to jerk back as Sawamura reached over to press the back of his hand against Kuroo’s forehead.  He choked on the relieved sigh, embarrassed at how loud it would have come out and how obvious it would have made him seem. Kuroo’s fever had finally broke, from Yaku’s lectures Sawamura knew that was a good outcome.

 

“Sawamura-” Kuroo’s voice was usually a bit raspy but it sounded painful now, even Kuroo cringed as he rubbed at his sore throat.  Sawamura helped Kuroo sit up before pouring him some tea. It was room temperature now but it would still soothe his throat and help with the bit of fever he still had.

 

“Drink this.”  Sawamura had to cup Kuroo’s own hand, which trembled and nearly dropped the cup into his own lap.  “You’ve been out for a couple days now, I don’t know how much you remember.” He felt immensely relieved, though he knew they weren’t completely out of the woods yet.  Kuroo was still ill, he was even starting to shiver the longer he sat up and Sawamura could tell he had soaked through his clothes again with sweat.

 

Kuroo complained when Sawamura called in Yamamoto and Fukunaga to help bathe Kuroo once more but it was weak and after a long, silent look from Fukunaga Kuroo gave in without much of a fight.  Kuroo thanked them for their help and Yamamoto informed him that it was mostly Sawamura’s doing, which made Sawamura’s face heat in embarrassment.

 

“Everyone helped out.”  Sawamura corrected Yamamoto gently.  Fukunaga went to make Kuroo some more broth and tea.  After a quick hug that ended with Yamamoto choking back tears he left, mumbling something about getting more firewood.

 

“I’m cold.”  Kuroo whined, voice still raspy from a combination of disuse and sickness.  He had been trying to grab more blankets but Sawamura would only allow him one blanket.

 

“You have a fever, putting all those blankets on you will cause you to sweat more and that will drench you again.”  Sawamura told him without mercy. Kuroo let out a long sigh that ended up in a coughing fit. Sawamura listened to his lungs and heart once more.  His heart was still beating a bit too fast but his lungs were clear, which Sawamura was eternally thankful for.

 

“So,” Kuroo rasped out as he settled down on Sawamura’s futon, a grin curving the corners of his lips upwards in a way that made Sawamura immediately wary.  “You’ve been taking care of me this entire time?”

 

“It was entirely selfish, I assure you.”  Sawamura said dismissively, looking away even as he felt the telltale sign of the back of his neck warming up.

 

“Oh?”  Kuroo hummed, not sounding like he believed Sawamura for a moment.  Thankfully Haiba and Inuoka came in, carrying the soup and tea Fukunaga had made and fussing over Kuroo.  Kuroo let them hover over him goodnaturedly as he warmed his fingers against the ceramic of the bowl, dutifully drinking half the broth and a full cup of tea before shooing them both out.

 

“You are going to pull it out if you keep doing that.”  Sawamura said after watching Kuroo try to run his hand through his hair for several moments.  Kuroo sighed as he dropped his hands to his lap. He had mostly stopped shivering and his hands had lost the tremble, though he did look far more exhausted than he had when he had woken up only an hour ago.

 

“I will most likely have to cut it off, that’s the only way to deal with it when it gets like this.”  Kuroo eyed Sawamura’s own short locks. “I’m afraid I won’t look nearly as handsome as you do with short hair.”  Sawamura snorted despite the heat rising to his face.

 

“It can’t be any more of a disaster than it is now.”  Sawamura shot back, earning a look from Kuroo that was torn between a pout and a grin as he tried pulling on the knots once again.  Sawamura gently slapped Kuroo’s hands away from his hair as he stood up.

 

“You would be surprised, the weight of the long hair weighs it down.”  Kuroo said as he watched Sawamura walk away. Sawamura heard Kuroo questioning where he was going but didn’t bother to answer as he went to Kuroo’s room, finding the object he had come for rather easily.  Kuroo’s room was cluttered but well organized and clean.

 

“You have cut your hair short before?”  Sawamura asked as he walked back into the room.

 

“While I was travelling overseas.”  Kuroo saw the comb in Sawamura’s hand and gave a half smile, holding his hand out for it.  “It was too much trouble to keep it long but it has the oddest tendency to stick straight up when short.”  Sawamura looked at Kuroo’s pale face, at the slight tremble in his hand just from being held up for two breaths.

 

“I can do it.”  Sawamura offered, watched as Kuroo’s hand fell to his side rather than look at the other mans face.

 

“Yes.”  Kuroo said, voice a near whisper.  Sawamura walked behind Kuroo to sit down, legs folded beneath him as he carefully gathered Kuroo’s still damp hair.  It had been nearly a year since Sawamura had last touched it. Of course he had seen and touched a lot of Kuroo in the past couple days but he had been far too worried and scared to pay attention to anything other than Kuroo’s health.  Though Kuroo still was ill Sawamura couldn’t help but notice things now like the long line of Kuroo’s neck, how his skin was slightly darker behind his ears, and how even though his hair was tangled it was still thick and soft between Sawamura’s fingers.

 

Sawamura began carefully working through the numerous knots in Kuroo’s hair.  The air was thick and tense between them. Sawamura felt as if he was holding his breath and sooner or later he would have to exhale.  He had promised many things while Kuroo was unconscious, he had thought even more.

 

“Kuroo?”  Sawamura asked, breaking the silence and dropping the honorific.  Sawamura was sure Kuroo noticed it, he hadn’t realized how lax the other man had gone in Sawamura’s hold until he tensed up.  “Can I ask you something?”

 

“Anything.”  Kuroo answered instantly and Sawamura was close enough to see the tips of his ears turn pink, as if he hadn’t meant to answer that earnestly or honestly.  Sawamura allowed himself to smile but mostly because Kuroo couldn’t see it.

 

“I know you tried to explain to me why you did-” Sawamura struggled for words for a moment and Kuroo tried to turn but Sawamura pulled gently on his hair.  He thought it might be easier if Kuroo wasn’t looking at him. “What you did a year ago but I couldn’t hear it then. I was wondering if you would like to try again?”  Kuroo was silent for a long moment as Sawamura continued to work through the knots, heart beating too loud in his ears. Maybe this wasn’t fair to Kuroo, he had just woken up after days of being unconscious due to an illness he still had.  Maybe Sawamura shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe-

 

“You were right to be angry at me, even my apologies were selfish.  I just wanted you to forgive me so we could have what we had before.”  Kuroo admitted softly. “It is true I never meant to hurt you, I think I convinced myself that you weren’t as involved in it as I was but I was only lying to myself.  I can’t- there is nothing I can say to make it better, to make what I did, the way I betrayed you any less than what it was.” Kuroo let out a long, deep breath.

 

“You’ve been trying to make up for it since then.”  Sawamura guessed but it had Kuroo shaking his head.

 

“No, not consciously at least.”  The knots were worked out of Kuroo’s hair but Sawamura continued to brush the long black strands.  “I did want you to stop hating me, or maybe hate me less but mostly I wanted you to be happy. I knew the small things here couldn’t make up for everything you’ve lost, the same way giving you less than an hour with Sugawara-san couldn’t make up for thinking he had been killed or the fact that you were taken away from everyone you’ve ever loved.”  Sawamura braided Kuroo’s hair so it wouldn’t knot again while he slept before putting gentle pressure on Kuroo’s shoulder, pulling him back to lay down.

 

“You need more sleep.”  Sawamura said, Kuroo sounded and looked even more exhausted.

 

“Do you want me to not bring this up again?”  Kuroo asked, eyes searching Sawamura’s face.

 

“We can talk about it when you’re completely better.”  Sawamura promised before clearing his throat. “Can I read your journal again?”  Kuroo looked surprised at that.

 

“Yes, it’s in my room.”  Kuroo looked like he was fighting sleep.  “Will you stay with me?” He asked, voice soft and eyes pleading.

 

“I don’t really have a choice, you’re in my room.”  Sawamura said, smiling slightly as Kuroo let out a raspy laugh before drifting off.  

 

Sawamura waited until he was fully asleep before he left to go find the journal.  Like the comb it was easy to find, crowded on a shelf with similar looking journals that probably expanded a great deal, if not all of, Kuroo’s life.  Sawamura grabbed the correct one before going back to his room and settling down beside Kuroo once again.

 

It was not any easier to read the second time through.  The first impressions and the, mostly correct, way Kuroo analyzed everyone in the palace were difficult to move past.  The sheer amount of detail Kuroo went into could be seen as impressive now, though it still made anger simmer beneath the surface.  But Sawamura pushed away his old feelings, tried to read it in a more detached way than he had the first time. He took himself out of it, tried to make himself believe this was about someone else.  It felt like someone else, he hadn’t realized how much he had changed in less than a year but he could say without a doubt that he was not who he was a year ago. The core values and believes were still there, but Sawamura felt completely changed.

 

When Sawamura had first read the entries he had been too caught up in himself, in the betrayal and the anger and the hurt.  Those feelings were still there but it was like a wound long since scabbed over and healed. Sawamura unconsciously ran his fingers over the scar on his hand, where he had grabbed the would-be assassins blade to defend himself.  The skin still pulled awkwardly if he expanded his fingers too far and he had reopen the wound several times due to clumsy and forgetful behavior but given time and the right treatment, it had healed over. His hand would never be the same and the scar would remain as a reminder of how close to death he had come but it would also remind him of how he fought, of his own perseverance and his inability to give up a fight no matter what was stacked against him.

 

“You were lonely.”  Sawamura said some days later.  Yachi had brought them both something to eat, Kuroo was finally able to stomach more solid foods and he was quite ravenous after just having broth and tea for a week.

 

With people coming in and out all day and night they hardly had a moment to themselves.  Yaku had come back from the nearby town with Shibayama and had examined Kuroo before gripping Sawamura’s shoulder in a nearly too-tight hold.  Sawamura knew Yaku did not mean any harm, that he was merely thanking Sawamura in an action because he didn’t have the words to express how he felt.

 

“You recognized that same loneliness in me.”  Sawamura continued when Kuroo gave him a confused look.  “That’s what I learned from your journal. You knew I would react poorly when everything came to light, you understood I wouldn’t be forgiving but you were alone before so you thought you knew what it would feel like after.”  Kuroo stared down at his bowl in silence.

 

“I was wrong.”  Kuroo said. Color had returned to his skin and he no longer looked exhausted after being awake for a couple minutes.  Yaku had ordered him to start going on short walks and Sawamura was going to make sure he did that after they ate.

 

“I’m not happy or thankful for what has happened.”  Sawamura said slowly because he wasn’t quite sure how to put what he was feeling into words.  “But it’s not as if I’m unhappy being here.” Kuroo looked up at Sawamura, searching his face.

 

“I can never replace what you lost, what I helped take from you but if you don’t mind I will spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to you, to make sure you are as happy as you can be here.”  Kuroo offered in a soft but firm voice, as if making a vow to Sawamura. It made his heart beat a little faster in his chest as he looked at Kuroo, really looked at him for the first time in what felt like months, perhaps a year.  His long hair was falling out of the braid Sawamura had put it in the night before, stray pieces falling into his gray eyes. He had a long nose and a truly horrible laugh, but it never failed to make Sawamura smile. Sawamura never thought there would be a day where he could look at Kuroo and feel anything besides pain.  There was an ache inside his chest but it wasn’t painful, not exactly how it used to feel but something entirely new.

 

“Are you including yourself in that offer?”  Sawamura asked, feeling bold despite his racing heart.  Kuroo’s eyebrows raised, one disappearing beneath his bangs.

 

“Sawamura,”  Kuroo reached out, carefully taking ahold of Sawamura’s hand and brushing his thumb over the scar on Sawamura’s palm.  “I will gladly spend the rest of my life giving you anything you want.” Sawamura felt his cheeks heat as Kuroo bent down to press his lips against Sawamura’s knuckles.

 

“Well then,” Sawamura could no longer fight the smile that was overtaking his face or the tears that were blurring his vision.  “If you’re done eating we should go on that walk before Yaku comes in and starts yelling at the both of us.” Kuroo sputtered as Sawamura stood up, brushing himself off briskly.

 

“Sawamura!”  Kuroo whined as Sawamura helped pull him up to his feet but he was smiling along even as he continued to complain, leaning heavily against Sawamura even though he had more than enough strength to stand on his own.

 

As winter gave way to spring, when the days grew longer and the nights warmer Sawamura found himself falling in love for the second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I don't even know how this chapter ended up being longer than the first!
> 
> Happy super late Secret Santa Audriel!
> 
> Some of the tabs I got to close after finishing this story  
> does japan have basil?  
> babycenter.com : how can I reduce my childs fever without medicine?  
> medicine in feudal japan  
> when was miso soup invented?  
> food in the 19th century  
> the samurai archives: samurai wiki  
> google image search of hitatare  
> what's the difference between kimonos and yukatas?  
> Japanese horses  
> Japanese spices  
> List of Kampo herbs  
> osaka to sendai directions  
> google maps of Osaka  
> History of Wafuton  
> when was macroni invited? (I felt like I was losing my mind around this one)  
> ships in the 1860s  
> Port of Nagoya  
> wikipedia yumi  
> when were stitches invented  
> types of crows in japan  
> Japanese shrines and altars  
> Japanese abandoned shrines (super cool pictures if you look up that one)  
> Tokugawa Yoshinobu  
> Tokugawa Shogunate  
> Shogunate  
> Difference between shogunate and emperor
> 
> honestly it goes on and it was... so much fun? It was like all the fun parts of writing my history thesis papers but not having to quote everything and I got to make things up if I couldn't find answers AND it's KuroDai so why am I still talking? I am so sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry Audriel, this was supposed to be like a quarter of this length? I'm striving to post the second (and last) chapter (at the latest) by Friday. But Happy Secret Santa! I got unbelievably (read: embarrassingly) happy when I pulled your name!


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